Searsport, Maine

Prologue

It is around 9 pm, and I am sitting with my laptop out, next to a campfire I build. Counterintuitive, I know. To be in nature, enjoying nature, and yet tethered to technology. But in my defense, I am writing and not scrolling through the internet, consuming all the information that is at my fingertips. I am creating that content to be at your fingertips. You are welcome for a thing to scroll through to make you feel connected with others.

Before I get started on the adventures of today, I am going to preface that this post is in a new format for me. The plan is that I am going to write everything on the same page, and I will upload it and post once I am done for the day, in the same way I did with my Google docs. This just feels more professional. Clearly, I am stepping up my game and getting more fancy with time. The audacity to think people care about my thoughts. To share them unabashedly. It's interesting how this small shift feels very haughty and arrogant. The docs were more of a Schrödinger's cat. I never knew if people read them unless they told me they did. I can see how many views things get now. Scary.

However, we care too much about what other people think. At the end of the day, I have an awesome record of the adventures I have gone on, and I get to remember the details of my days in a way I never would without memorializing them. What a gift to slow down and take in the day, remembering as many things as possible to tell the story of my life. It's beautiful. I hope you enjoy this. I know I do.

Day One - May 21, 2026

Today was a normal Thursday. For the most part. I woke up at 5:45 to go to the gym. On my way down to my car, I grabbed my recycling (out of character) because I didn't want to have to do it later. I wanted to come back from a trip and have an empty bin of things I need to remove. Except in writing this, I realize I didn't take out my garbage or the flowers I bought myself for Mother's day, which have surprisingly lasted a long time. Especially considering they were from Stop and Shop. Who knew grocery store flowers could be so beautiful and retain life for so long? I didn't.

With the recycling, I brought down some of my belongings to get my car ready for my trip. I was determined to be ready to go once our department meeting was over at 1:30. The determination came from the fact I had a hard check in time of 7 pm, and I had a four hour drive. I didn't want to get stuck in traffic and miss it.

On my way back from going to the gym and dropping additional belongings off in my car, I decided to eat dining hall breakfast. I forgot to buy my breakfast bars, and my fridge was empty due to my trip. Turns out four other people had the same idea. Apparently we all were too lazy or spent to make something for ourselves, and I am grateful that I had a morning conversation with six of my colleagues. Truly, a special treat.

The rest of my day went easily enough. My students had a test to take, and they all "failed" it, even though I personally graded them and had one student get a 54. The next three lowest scores were 64, 74 and 78. Everyone else had an A or B. Two had 100% on it. I know that the student who earned 99.5 on it will view it as a failure or as me grading it unfairly. It's weird to work with overachievers, who perceive things as failure when they clearly are not. That student who had the 54 would have been ecstatic to have anything above a C. Perspective is important.

Once my meeting was over and the tests were added to the gradebook, I went back to my apartment to use the bathroom, change, and grab the last of my things. In my car, I plugged in the address for the campsite. A four hour drive was looking to get me there around 6. As I drove, I listened to Noah Kahan Pandora. Then Noah Kahan on the continued YouTube stream. I know everyone is shocked. It feels fitting to be heading to Maine and listening to his music. Hand in hand. A perfect pair.

On my drive, minutes were added by traffic and accidents and cops. I missed one of the exits I was supposed to take, and the rerouting dropped the arrival time by twenty minutes. The route I was on was clear of cars and was easy to navigate. It reminded me of taking I-69 instead of I-96 to get to MSU. One was a much easier and relaxed drive, and it was always so much shorter as a result. I told Katherine, and her response was that I was meant to miss the traffic. We joked that there's a life lesson within there. Sometimes the exit we are "supposed" to take isn't the best one or the right one. I got where I was meant to go with the better route.

Since I had saved time, I decided to stop to go to the bathroom. I needed to, and I was glad that I could budget for the time without pressing my arrival too close. When I parked, I saw a statue, and I thought it was an elephant. (Long story short, last summer I asked the universe or my spirit people or whatever is out there spiritually to show me elephants when a specific thing is near or coming. I've been seeing them a lot lately, and I literally never see them ever, which is why I made it my thing!) When I looked closer, the statue was not one, but as I walked in the building, my gut said I would see one. I went to the bathroom, and then I went into the little shop. I bought some soaps for my friend as a repayment of sorts or an "I'm thinking of you", and when I checked out, I wanted to continue looking. The next thing I saw was an animal cracker carton. The type with the circus animals on the front. I don't know what that brand is called, but I chuckled as I saw the elephant front and center on the container.

In another store in that weird side of the road stop, I wandered around, and I saw these ceramic things. One of them was a weird shape, and I questioned if it was supposed to be an elephant. I flipped it over and read "ceramic elephant". I put it back and walked to my car, amused that I saw two elephants in the random plaza. When I drove away, I recognized my intuition coming back to me because it's been a while since I have had gut feelings pay off so quickly. I needed to stop there.

When I was about fifteen minutes away, the campground director called me. She and her husband own this campground, so she wanted to know when I would be arriving, so she could keep an eye open for me. I told her I was going to be around shortly, and she said that when I got there, I would be so happy, and I would make myself a drink and walk to the ocean. Her enthusiasm was infectious, and I was glad that I made the reservation with the campground. I love people taking pride in their work, especially when it comes to building connections for people and nature.

Once I arrived, I parked my car and waited for her to come to the counter. She excitedly waved to me and introduced me to a fellow Stephanie staying here. I was told that that Stephanie was amazing, as are all the people who stay here. As she checked me in, she told me that I could take firewood and let them know how many bundles I took at the end of my stay. She told me of a restaurant to eat at and showed me the board of events for the weekend. It was so genuinely kind and hospitable. It was such a lovely welcoming.

After leaving the office, I drove to my site to check it out. I parked and walked down to the water. I sadly am not on a site on the cliff overlooking the water, but I am relatively close. I am determined to use one of the empty sites tomorrow and sit in the provided chairs and appreciate the water. My soul craves water and being near it. In writing this, my brain was like "obviously you love water, it's your favorite beverage." It genuinely has been my favorite drink my entire life. It's so delicious and amazing. We are so lucky to have it.

Being near water shifts something in my chest. A calm and relaxed feeling like coming home sweeps over me. One day, I swear to God, I am going to live in a house near some form of water. I will be able to view the sunrise or sunset, and I will be able to sit on my porch or countertop or whatever it may be, and I will waste hours just being content. It is not actually wasted time. It is my favorite activity to be doing. Existing near water. So lovely.

Once I got my bearings, I looked up the restaurant. Closed until tomorrow. She must have forgotten it was a Thursday or their schedule. I decided to follow the road and see what else I could find. Turns out it was nothing for quite a few miles. Finally I searched up food, and I found a random cafe that seemed to be on the water. I drove, and I saw Fort Knox signs. It might be an activity I do this weekend. (I didn't plan a single thing for this trip. Just let vibes lead the way.) I parked my car, and I walked into the shop. It was two women working the store. One as the cook; the other as the waitress.

I sat at a table very close to tables on either side, both with couples. It felt like I was a fifth wheel to two separate intimate moments. The menu was limited, and I debated between some things, but I decided upon a flatbread with chicken and broccoli. I figured that I love those two things, so why not see what it was like together on a flatbread with cheese and hot honey. I probably would never get the chance again, and after eating it, I probably wouldn't take the opportunity if it arose. It was fine. It was missing some form of flavor. Maybe hot sauce or red pepper flakes. Something. Anything to give it a little life.

I had also ordered a ginger beer, but she brought me a root beer, and it was an unexpected necessity. It's not something I would order. I don't dislike it, but I never think to have it. Not when there are other options. As a result, I looked up what root beer is made from because it has to be some form of a root. Turns out that it's the root from sassafras, and it unlocked a memory that I still can't place. I know it's related to my mom's side of the family. I can't remember if my grandma would use the word or my mom or maybe one of my aunts. No matter who it's from, it feels like a nod from my grandma who passed away recently. I was planning on writing something about her because I have seen little nods to her lately, and this is part of the nod. It's nice to feel her around lately. Reassurance, maybe.

The couple to my right ordered the cookie of the month, which was cherry, almond, snickerdoodle. It was a weird and unusual sounding combo, so I asked about it, and I ordered one when they described it to me. Ultimately, it was fine and not as magical as everyone was making it seem. Overall, dinner was mid. It was very homemade in a refreshing way, but it was missing something. I enjoyed the randomness of the side quest, and I feel like there's something magical and needed in this moment for me to just go where the wind takes me. On my drive home, I was thinking about how much I appreciate this quality in me. The openness to see what happens. I can lick my wounds if things aren't what I want them to be, but I am willing to try something and get out of my comfort zone. No plans or expectations.

When I got back to my campground, I took a pack of soft wood and a pack of hard wood because I don't know what the difference between the two would be for the fire making portion of my evening. I build my sleeping quarters and then a fire. It took me a few attempts, but I ended up with a roarin' fire that I am super proud of myself for building. I learned from the other Maine trip's fiasco and didn't burn myself. Look at the progress and confidence in myself built.

Once the fire was burning, I sat down to write this. Some takeaways for today are that I needed this trip. By living and working in the same place, I feel like I am always on a stage. I feel like being myself fully isn't appreciated, and I have to dim down at times. Most times. I have been feeling very negative towards myself lately, and my brain has been telling me untrue things. I feel like people hate me lately, or at the very least find me annoying, and no matter how many times or ways people show me that it's true, it's seeping into me and my perception of myself. I feel underestimated and undervalued a lot, and it is making me think that I am less capable than what I think I can achieve. I have been questioning if I am a good judge of my abilities anymore and if I even know myself. Big feelings of inadequacy have been popping up.

(Don't fret, I am actively working to find a counselor to help give me a voice of reason for the upcoming summer/year because I feel like I typically have to bottle a lot of this up. I have also been trying to journal more to put it somewhere instead of my brain. It's been helping. Or at least I hope it has been. We will have to wait for my upcoming period to see if there's something hormonal happening to impact this as well or if some of the thoughts and feelings were random and a fluke from my previous one. Either way, I am excited to find a counselor to talk through my feelings and help me to sort through it all.)

The conversations I am having with myself today are in opposition to that voice I've been hearing lately. Even if other people don't believe in me, it doesn't change my capabilities. It just means I am planted in the wrong garden for long term success. I was talking to my cousin earlier about the elephants, and she said that it was my intuition, and it reminded me that I have lost my intuition when I am in my daily life. It feels like a reminder that I still have my intuition, and maybe there's some block for some reason when I am in my apartment. Maybe this is a reminder of how important it is for me to find breaks to get away throughout the year to reclaim myself after the sacrifices to my identity are made. (Again, this goes back to the disjointed feeling of not being myself fully and having spaces to be unapologetically authentic.)

As I have driven around this area, Maine feels like home. In my soul and gut, I believe that I will live in Maine at some point. This may be where I die and get buried. This place is a mixture of Michigan and Alaska, and I am getting déjà vu or maybe a premonition of this other version of me. The one who lives in nature and owns land and works with people in community. Near water. Where my soul flourishes and thrives. Where the pain of the past is gone and the beauty remains.

I have a beautiful life, and even with all said above, I am happy to be where I am currently. I see the bigger picture and how this is a piece of that future. Overall, I love that I get to go on this journey with my favorite person and have this reminder of my love for myself.

Day Two - May 22, 2026

This morning, I woke up around 8 am. I wasn't very happy because I didn't sleep super great, and I wanted to go back to bed. Overall, I love my RAV4, but I miss how my Journey was flat in the back. This car has an incline, so I feel like I slowly slide down the backseat throughout the night, so I wake up every so often because I realize that I am cramped and don't have to be. I don't know the solution for this issue, but I am going to need to figure out some way to sort it out for the sake of being able to continue camping in my car. In writing today's journal, I got distracted going down a rabbit hole, looking for solutions, trying to figure out the best way to do this. Alas, it is a future me research project because I simply am not going to cut up wood and make a frame. I am not a women in stem, and power tools scare me. (Feminist me is not a fan of that fact!)

It was also chilly last night, so I burrowed my face into my sleeping bag. I had some dreams last night, which is so exciting to me. In the same vein as the intuition stuff from yesterday, I used to dream ALL the time! Consistently I would wake up and remember what they were about. I would search the things I could remember and figure out what they meant. Since moving, they are inconsistent. Whenever I go away from my apartment, they come back. Take that as you want. I personally think there's something blocking the energy from getting to me. I don't know what it is or how to remove it. If anyone else does, let me know. I will gladly take advice to attempt to remove the block.

Anyways, I woke up and went to the bathroom. I was pretty groggy and disoriented from the sleep in my eyes. I went back to my campsite and attempted to fall back asleep, and I failed miserably. I decided to sit and review my piece from yesterday before posting it to social media. I made the decision to only share it to my Facebook page because those are people I have vetted and doubt are going to track me down in Maine. Some would even be welcome if they happened to be here. After that, I decided to go to the farmer's market. It was all fresh bread and local meat/vegetables. Since I don't plan to cook on this trip, I left without purchasing anything. Following that, I looked up some breakfast/lunch spots. One was nearby, so I headed that way. By the time I got there, they didn't have breakfast anymore, so I couldn't order a breakfast sandwich as I had planned to do, so I ordered a half sandwich and half salad with a coffee. They both were okay. Nothing special or outstanding about them.

Afterwards, I went into Belfast to the Harbor walk, and I parked by the boat house at the end. I followed along the path, and I chuckled to myself that maybe I would stumble upon a sea captain amongst all the ships I was passing. While there was no sea captain, there were two men walking, and one said hello to me and called me sweetheart. It's an interesting thing to be called something like that by a stranger. I mean, I am skeptical of men. (Yes, all men.) So it makes me a little concerned for my safety. When I see them in the wild, I create plans for if they were to attack me, and I always try to subtly watch them to ensure they don't turn around once they pass me. Based on my assumptions about his demeanor, he seemed nice enough and harmless enough, so it was nice to be referred to in a sweet way. (For any man reading this, not all men can pull this off. Women mostly prefer for you to ignore them and don't do shit like that.)

Once I reached the end of the walk, I followed the foot path over the water and then back again. Then I found the Rail Trail, and I followed that for its 2.25 miles (one way). On my walk, I texted my Aunt Pat to get clarification on the sassafras situation from yesterday, and she clarified that it was my Aunt Colleen who would say that. One of my favorite Aunt Colleen moments was when we were camping, and it was a million degrees out. Sweat poured down all of our faces. Everyone did what they could to wear the least amount of clothing without making the others uncomfortable. Then she chuckled to herself and offered up a dare that someone should put on my sister's flannel sleeping bag, go outside, and say "Burr! It's cold!" This is a classic Aunt Colleen moment, and it tracks that she is the one who would love to say sassafras!

Following the trail walk, I saw a sign for a beer garden. It was on the water, so I decided it wouldn't hurt to sit down. I ordered a raspberry seltzer and a normal water, and I just enjoyed the view and the atmosphere. Once I finished, I left to wander around the downtown area. I stopped in a few shops, one of which happened to be a crystal store. The woman working was extremely chatty. I wandered around the store, looking at the random items for sale, and before I left, I asked her what I should get. She told me about a few things, and I decided to get some of them. We continued to chat after I purchased them, and we shared bits about ourselves and our journeys. Apparently, her mom was wiccan, and she classifies herself as pagan because she doesn't want to be naked in the woods. She said that she could see what she looked like without her clothes, and it wasn't something she thought others wanted or needed to see.

As I shared some of my story, she told me I should take rosemary and smell it when I get anxious or worried, and she walked me over to where it would be located in the shop. She didn't have any, but she walked me through the various herbs she had for sale and talked through the homeopathic uses of the items. For example, cloves are meant to help if you have an infection. There was something that would help with UTIs, but I currently am forgetting it. She showed me some random crystals and had me hold them because she thought they would help with the stress I had shared with her. Afterwards, she had me look through these small trinkets to take one. I found an elephant head, and I couldn't refrain from taking it with me. When I went to leave, I asked if I could hug her. She obliged. It was a very random and special moment between two strangers. Maybe a little more honest and vulnerable for the sake of knowing we would never see each other again. I needed a little human connection today, and I think she did too.

Upon leaving the shop, I made my way back to my car and to General Dollar (as my grandma would call it) to get some water bottles. I brought a reusable one, but last night, I put something in it from the spigot on my campsite, thinking it was water. However, when I turned on my flashlight, I saw that it was pink, and I highly doubt it was drinkable. I don't know what it was, but I think my water bottle needs to be washed and sanitized multiple times before I will chance a drink from it again.

Once the water was secured, I went back to the campground. I wanted a little bit of time to relax and enjoy overlooking the water before heading out to dinner. These entries take a while to write, so I sat in my car and wrote about my day before it was time for dinner.

Since it was Friday and Hey Sailor! was opened, I decided I would go there for dinner. Was it a Mexican restaurant? Maybe. Was it a pizza place? Maybe. Did they have a random menu that was also very specific? Absolutely. I sat at the bar, as I am inclined to do. I ordered a blackberry and lavender margarita. This year has been a relatively dry year for me, and I have cut back on drinking substantially for various reasons. I have drank three times outside of today. Once for Deb's birthday. Another time, work had an event and paid for drinks, so I had some for free. The other one was after a really long week, and I simply needed a drink to decompress on my couch. Today was simply out of curiosity. The drink was fabulous, so I ended up having two.

The bar/restaurant was busy. There was live music that started shortly after my arrival. It was a local band. They weren't bad nor were they good. Think of any local band you have ever heard and insert them into this picture. Since I was at the bar, it was muted because it was in the other room, separated by an arched opening.

There was a birthday gathering of twenty or so people. All of which had birthdays in 03 or 04. Wild to hear they can drink. Just babies at 22. Since it's the beginning of the season, there was only one bartender on. She was swamped! It took her a long time to get through all the orders of drinks and circle back for food. I was finally able to order something, and it took another forty minutes for it to come out to me. Then, I sat with my finished plate for another forty minutes. Whenever the bartender had a break in the never-ending sea of drink orders, she would quickly stop near me (because I sat by the server station) as she refilled whatever she could in that moment. We joked about how busy it was and how the children were complimenting her by saying she was savage and amazing, thinking it would speed up their wait time.

When I finally was able to ask for my check, she told me she bought one of my drinks because I had kept her sane throughout the night by joking with her and mocking the children with her. I have so much respect for bartenders because people are annoying, and they are worse when they are drunk. I love watching them mix the things and create such interesting concoctions. It is a form of entertainment, especially when they are dealing with annoying customers.

What could have been a quick trip for dinner ended up being a three hour trip. However, it was something to do, and I was in no rush to do anything else. As I sat at the bar, I texted with family and friends about my dream from last night because I finally remembered what it was about and searched it up. The last time I had these dreams, Megan ended up being pregnant, so I am now on the hunt for who is pregnant. Last time, I kept asking my other best friend because she felt like the logical choice, and I overlooked Megan as a possibility. I am trying not to do that this time, but there's no real logical choices this time, so I am asking all the illogical choices I can find. In ten or so months, someone will have a baby. Or at least if history serves as a predictor. I hope I am right. I love when my dreams are prophetic.

Goodnight my friends. It is time for me to get some sleep.

Day Three - May 23, 2026

This morning, I woke up around 8:30. I laid there for a while as I permitted a slow rise for myself. After a while, I knew it was time to get up and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. My phone was low on battery, so I allowed it to charge on a nearby campsite for a little while. Once I had a bit of charge, I headed to one of the ocean view lots, and I made a sort of plan for the day. I determined my first stop would be brunch.

I decided to go to The Hoot, which was a farm to table place. As I was walked to the table, I was informed that they had serve your own coffee, and you could choose a mug and get as many refills as you would like. I decided that I would partake. My waiter took a while to come by, and I opted for lemon blueberry pancakes. I wish they had a little more lemon flavor, but overall, they were delightful. At the restaurant, my friend texted me about something happening on my birthday, and I ended up quietly crying at my table for most of the meal.

I have a lot of trauma attached to my birthday. The last three alone have been miserable. 2025 - Forced fun of bowling, while I had pneumonia and felt like shit. 2024 - Keith hit my car and got mad at me and Elizabeth for it. 2023 - Sobbing on and off all day for various reasons. That's not to mention the other birthdays. Two have recently been mentioned in a different post. For a while, I tried to protect my birthday from other people. You can't be hurt and disappointed if you build a fort around it and don't let anyone interfere. Yet, people still get through that fort and do what they will, and it is not something I know how to overcome or let go. There's an episode of New Girl where its Jess' birthday, and she decides that its best to spend it alone at the movies to prevent having too high of expectations or feeling disappointment. I am Jess. Today, I ended up writing in my journal, and one of the things I jotted down was that I don't know what people are supposed to feel on their birthdays. What is a normal birthday feeling? I genuinely have no clue. It eludes me.

The friend and I briefly sorted through the baggage and had a conversation around it, and it has been decided that I am going to spend my birthday doing Stephanie related things alone outside of the other event that was planned. We might plan something for another day, but my birthday is something I have learned I have to guard to protect it. That doesn't negate that I have had some wonderful birthday gatherings. They just don't overshadow the mostly bad memories and experiences that stem from my birthday. I also don't know how to let my guard down and let people touch the things that I need to preserve. I clearly have trust issues, and I am overprotective because I don't know how to react appropriately or not be disappointed when other people are involved.

This year has been a really hard one for me. I have been trying to release and reflect and rewire my brain and choose a different path, and it has been emotionally taxing to let the past wash over me so a new narrative can take its place. I would like to get off the ride and choose an easier way. Logically, I know that isn't how any of that works. You have to let it come up and process it. It has to come out. But this is now the third consecutive year when I have questioned why souls carnate and choose to go through life as a human. It is miserable and hard, and I wish my soul didn't choose to experience this. But alas, I got on the ship, and I am going to see this journey through until the end. Lord, help me. Here's to wishing for a more peaceful second half of life.

After brunch, I went to Fort Knox. During the drive, a cardinal flew at my windshield. It startled me so badly, and then I registered that it was a cardinal, and then it immediately flew over my car. Clearly it wanted to get my attention. Okay to the person visiting or whatever sign this is supposed to be. I see you. I can notice the magical energy around me. You don't have to yell at me!

Once I arrived to the fort, I paid for my ticket for the fort and the observatory. I chose to do the observatory first. Let me tell you how cool this was. YOU GO INSIDE OF THE BRIDGE AND GO ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP! I could see out into the water and see the cars on the bridge and my car in the parking lot. It was a really simple observatory, and you mostly got to the top, looked around, and came back down. However, it was a highlight of my day.

The fort portion of the day was a little more unsettling. You needed a flashlight for exploring some parts of it. I went into Battery "B" and got creeped out going down stairs without really being able to see them, so I turned around until I could muster up my courage. I ended up going through the fort and following the walls around. While parts were disturbing from being so dark, I kept wandering around until I could make it out of the maze. I never did muster up my courage to go back to "B", but I did go down Battery "A" because I could consistently see light, even if it was just as creepy. Once I got to the bottom, I refused to go back up those stairs and walked the entire way around the compound via the grass because I was scared of taking the stairs for some reason.

The entire time I was at the fort, I was nervous. I truly don't know how the soldiers worked there, especially without electricity. While torches/candlelight could have been used, it feels weird with all the flammable weapons around and how hard it would be to move things about the compound using minimal lighting. Did they have pallet jacks? Did they have cranes? I don't get how the things could have been stored and moved around without them. It also makes me question how we have tools of destruction like shotguns and cannons, as well as the capacity to build forts out of stones BEFORE electricity and modern tools/machinery. None of it made sense to me, and maybe that's why I was unsettled. Or maybe something more nefarious went down there, and I could sense it. Either way, I wasn't a huge fan of the fort. I probably will not go back.

After that adventure, I went to Moose Point State Park. It was a small thing that I figured could take up some of my afternoon. When I got there, I parked my car and felt so exhausted from the emotion earlier in the day that I choose to recline my seat and close my eyes. I don't know how long of a nap I had, but when I woke up, I decided to go on the trails. They were limited and not very long, but they were on the coast, and it was nice to walk through the woods. At some point on my walk, this man had a huge dog without a leash. He looked at me and told me the dog was friendly, and the dog came trapsing towards me. I pet him because what else do you do when a dog is seeking affection? The owner said that I had made the dogs day by being so affectionate towards him. After the encounter was over, the dog started following me on my walk until the owner reminded him that he was not my dog.

Back at the beach, I walked down to the water. It was extremely rocky and not easy to walk and enjoy. I stood there briefly before returning to my car. Once inside, I opened my journal and wrote for a while. I am resolved to writing more. Particularly in my gratitude journal again. It's so hard when your time feels so consumed by so many other things. I also fell off the wagon earlier this year because of the 100 Happy Days challenge that ended miserably. When I wrote, I decided that there's something I have to do to preserve my sanity over the next year, and while I am not completely sure of it, it might be in writing. I remembered in college, we had "teacher idea" notebooks that we used to preserve our ideas for when we were teachers. Maybe I steal that and have a "When I Start My Own School" sort of diary. Keeping ideas to myself to preserve them and wish them into existence. I can create my vision and mission based on what I don't want to perpetuate. It might also be based on the environment I want to foster, as well as the values I personally have and want to build up in others. Like humanity and vulnerability and honesty. Sprinkled in with authenticity. I really want to foster community that is rooted in those qualities and helps people to heal from pain, so we don't continue a society that harms people for the sake of perceived power. Maybe one day...

Once I finished with that, I sorted out dinner ideas. I was craving some bar food, so I searched for some options. I pulled the trigger and headed back to Belfast, and on the way saw a giant elephant on the roof of a building. In that moment, I figured there HAD to be some connection to elephants and the town. I searched it up and there is. Or at least the Belfast in Ireland. Either way, it feels serendipitous that I would travel to a town so entranced by elephants. Comical in some ways.

The first restaurant I went to had low lighting and grunge music playing. I didn't even finish walking in the door because I knew it was not my vibe for today, so I sat on a bench while I tried to figure out the alternative place to eat. Quickly I made a plan for a different place, and I ended up sitting at the bar with my ginger ale, barbeque chicken wings, ranch, seasoned fries, and coleslaw. I felt exhausted and could tell that I wasn't inviting any sort of conversation today. On my way out, I stopped at the bathroom, and someone gave me a high five for my sweater. It is my "equal rights for others doesn't mean fewer rights for you - it isn't pie." I love the enthusiasm Maine has for my sweater.

Upon leaving the bar, I went back to my car and back to the campground. I am spent from my day, and I am ready to go to bed... it is only 8 pm as I write this sentiment. I might end up making a campfire or sitting in my car reading. I don't know yet what tomorrow will have in store, but I look forward to seeing where the energy takes me.

Day Four - May 24, 2026

I woke up this morning at 8:30. I went to the bathroom, and I came back to my car to try and get some more sleep. Instead of sleeping on my air mattress, I rolled it up, put up my back seats, and curled up across the bench with my sleeping bag unzipped as a blanket. It was relatively comfortable, and I was able to sleep on my sides without the discomfort in my hips like I've had the last few nights on the air mattress. I think the problem is when I am on my side, the air mattress disperses the air, so my hip hits the hard layer of the seat rather than being on the cushion. I played around with it and there's ways to make it better, but as someone who sleeps on her sides and rolls around from the front to back to side, an air mattress isn't great for all those positions.

The next time I woke up, it was 10. I received a text from a former student who saw my email about these posts, and she wanted to catch up. We haven't talked in a while, so we exchanged texts throughout the day, catching up on things. It's really awesome to have my PH students be adults now. I am grateful I got to teach them and now stay in contact with them, even if we go through times when we don't talk as frequently. It's a privilege that I do not take lightly.

Before I move into the next part of my day, I want to share that I had multiple dreams last night. In one of them, my colleague shared that she had a new job lined up and was leaving our school TODAY! She wasn't finishing the year; she was done. It fits her and her personality, but I was shocked, and now I am curious if that is actually happening.

Another dream consisted of someone paying for me to have a hotel room to stay long-term. I can't remember the circumstances, but the time was ending with the agreement, and apparently people had left their things in the room, so I had to call them to get there things because if they didn't take them, the hotel staff was going to throw them out. One of the people I called was my friend Jon, so I guess it makes sense that I would tell him to take his shit and leave. I haven't talked to him in months, and it feels like a way for me to clean out the energy of nonchalance attention and care. The other person I called makes less sense. It is family related, so I won't share the entirety of that portion, but it is confusing as to why I would want them to leave because I don't think there's beef there or something I am holding onto related to them that I would want to let go. Maybe there is, but I will have to sit on it and meditate on what it could be.

The third dream I had was so lovely. I won't share all of it because it was very special and intimate in a way that I want to preserve for myself alone. However, when I looked up parts of the dream, it was related to joy after a tumultuous time. I mean, clearly that couldn't be meaningful for me after some of the things I've written about and shared, particularly in this specific journal. Overall, the feeling of the dream was happiness and joy and love and laughter. It was almost a premonition for my life or maybe a hope and prayer for the future.

I am going to put this out there, but for the three nights I have been out here, I have had dreams. Coincidence? I think not. This is my norm when I am not at school. This used to be my norm when I lived elsewhere. WHAT IS THE BLOCKAGE AND HOW DO I REMOVE IT!?!?! I miss my dreams. So much.

Anyways, when I got ready for the day, I decided to get breakfast. I headed north to a place called The Club. It was on the water, and I was a little nervous when I got there that I was underdressed. You see, it is cold today. One of those 60 degree days that feel cold. I wore a long sleeved shirt with a hoodie over top of it, and I was still cold a lot of the day. However, I wasn't rejected from the restaurant, and I was given a lovely window seat in the bar area, so I was able to see the water from my spot. There was a couple on the other side of the room in the bar and more patrons in the other area. The other area had a live band playing background noise. I ate a blueberry pancake and bacon with my coffee.

When I was finished eating but still enjoying my coffee, a table of older women sat down next to me. All of them had short white hair. It was one of their birthdays, and they discussed what they were going to eat. It was around noon, and one of the woman was telling the birthday girl that she could order anything she wanted. If she wanted a drink, she should. If she wanted to get the taco salad (that was a salad with taco toppings rather than tortillas with taco toppings on top of it with lettuce) AND the clam chowder, then she should. If she wanted to order the French toast, she should. There were no rules! (If you can't tell, she was my favorite of the women for being the encourager for them to break the fake rules of society!)

At some point, I learned that the birthday girl's name was Mary Jane, and one of the women joked about "Mary Jane in the bathroom," and I couldn't help but chuckle. Another woman's name was "Kath". Two of my aunt's names at one table. I almost wanted to go over to see what the other two were named to see if they were all of my aunts' names at the table. It was a comfort to be by those women, and I am glad that I was able to eavesdrop on their conversation for the bit of time our paths crossed. I hope Mary Jane is having a wonderful birthday. It seemed like she has some wonderful friends.

After leaving the restaurant, I drove to Camden, which is south of me. I simply plugged in Camden in my GPS and followed the directions. When I got there, I followed the signs for parking, and I accidentally stole the last spot in the lot from the person who was in front of me. I don't know if they had planned to back into the space or missed it, but I snuck in. I was ashamed (slightly), so I waited in my car because I didn't want them mad at me. The parking meter thing was covered, so I didn't have to pay for parking. Lucky me.

I began by wandering into the various shops on the street. Looking around and just popping into see what was on sale. I eventually purchased some lavender blueberry iced tea packs because that seemed like a lovely summer beverage. Other than that, I was aimless. Finally, I sat down on a bench outside of a store, and I searched some things to do, and I found a boat tour that started at 3:30. It was 2:15, and I could check in at 3, so it seemed like an easy choice. While I waited, I went to Walgreens and got some popcorn and raspberry iced tea to snack on.

Finally, it was time for the boat tour. It was a sailboat, and there were two men who worked on it. The one man didn't wear shoes and shared it was because it's better grip on the water. Seemed cold and miserable to me. He was originally from Kentucky but now lives in Maine year-round. On the boat, there were blankets for us to sit with, which was a necessity. Again, it was a cold day, and it was colder on the water. During the trip, the couples around me were chatty. The couple to my left were in Camden celebrating their anniversary. They had four boys, and this is their one trip a year they take solo. They live in Maine and love Camden. It's their place. The couple to my right were in Camden from New Hampshire. Originally from Florida. They have two cats - one waffle and the other chicken. I chuckled at the names. There was a dog on the boat named Lucky, and the man in the couple to my left LOVED the dog. He pet the dog for most of the ride, and they were fast friends. The woman to my right was also obsessed. You can tell that she was someone who loves animals and babies and people in general.

There was another person on the boat whose name was Lucky. This year, I created a word for the year, which ended up being two separate ones that go together. Lucky and Serendipity. It's funny how often I have come into contact with both words this year, and I love that they both feel relevant on this trip in particular. Overall, the boat ride was two hours. Just out into the ocean and back. Nothing fancy or special, yet it was lovely. We saw some porpoises and seals in the water, but they weren't the main purpose of the excursion. It was nice to have small talk with chatty people.

Once we got back to land, I went to get food. At the dock, there was a restaurant, so I went inside. I ordered their warm bread, which they ran low on, so she gave me one roll (which is ultimately what I wanted), and she didn't charge me because it wasn't the whole basket. (Luck? I think so.) I ordered a blueberry flavored beverage and fish tacos. They were quite delectable.

After that, I headed back to my car and back to my campground. When I arrived to my site, someone stole my leftover wood from yesterday, sadly, so I couldn't make a fire tonight. It is also lightly raining, so I doubt it would have made for a good fire night anyways. (Last night I built an amazing fire, so I guess that can be my ending glory of fire-making for May 2026.) I heavily debated heading back home tonight because it's going to rain all night, but I talked myself out of it. While it will be chilly overnight, I can listen to the rain on my car, and I will (hopefully) dream, and I can make my leisure way down the coast tomorrow and get back whenever. I don't want to cut my enjoyment short out of a little cold rain. Famous last words? Maybe.

Goodnight for now. See you tomorrow?

Day Five - May 25, 2026

Overnight, I was able to sleep relatively soundly. The sound of the rain on my car was melodic as background noise, and the song "She Loves the Rain" by Teddy Swims also played in my head throughout the night. While it's a beautiful song, I dislike that it fits into the trope of women having to see the good in bad situations and how lucky men are that women have that trait (ultimately because if women didn't overlook the bad, men would be left alone... rightfully.) Outside of that, the rain clearly triggered the song, and my brain wanted to listen to it, so it kept it on repeat.

At some point, the rain was dripping through my slight crack in the window, getting my sleeping bag wet, so I rolled to the other side of the car and fell back asleep. When I sleep in my car, I leave the windows open at least a crack to prevent condensation on the windows. (I even have window screens to prevent bugs from entering.) Turns out, when it's raining, it doesn't matter if the window is opened or not, condensation will form.

When I finally woke up, I giddily remembered my dream. (See! Day four of four back to back! COINCIDENCE!?! I THINK NOT!) The dream was that I was building beds with my childhood best friend because there were going to be twin! Except we were building twin sized beds which doesn't feel like the optimal situation for babies to sleep, but that's for dream us to determine at a later date.

Since it was raining, I made a decision to haphazardly pack without taking the time to put things in their bags. Some things were wet, so I was going to have them air out before packing them away for my future trips. I also decided that I would start driving south and find breakfast on the way.

That plan brought me back to Camden, and I was able to get French toast and bacon from a place called Buttermilk Kitchen. They were phenomenal. One of the best meals of the weekend!

Afterwards, I drove back to my apartment without stopping. I listened to music until I was done with it and chose a podcast instead. The traffic was mild for a holiday weekend, although there were some stretches that were worse than others. The rain slowed everything down because it was heavy rain. Then, each of the toll pass tower things added five or so minutes to the drive for some reason. I don't know if people were slowing down for them or some other reason associated to them is to blame.

My biggest takeaway from this trip was that I needed to reset myself. I was very concerned about me over the past few weeks, and I can see that there is an issue, but it's not necessarily with me at a fundamental level. At the end of the day, I know who I am and what I stand for, and I can't let other things make me questions who I am or what I have to offer. I am done trying to convince others of what I have to offer. It reminds me of a story that was circling a few years ago about a car. Feel free to pause and read it if you're unfamiliar. The TLDR version is that a girl is gifted a car from her dad, and he has her take it to different places to see the worth of it. She is offered different amounts at the different places, yet it's all the same car. The only difference is the audience. It's a message about being in a place that values you as you are and sees your inherent worth.

Throughout the trip, I kept telling myself how amazing I am and all the traits I possess that I admire. If those are true out in the world, I shouldn't let the outside noise get to me and impede how I see myself. I am going to harness this realization upon my return. I am planted where I am in this moment, and I know that my time and lessons are not finished, so I will continue to see this through, but I will find the ways to get the nourishment I need, even if it has to be supplemented elsewhere because my current soil isn't providing what I need to thrive. I am talking in this way because this has reminded of when I told my former friend I was quitting PH, and his response was that a lot of people are rooted to people and places, and that becomes their identity. He went on to say that I am not one of those people. I know who I am outside of people and places, and if I am not getting the sunlight or the water I need to thrive, I move my roots for my best interest. He used it as a metaphor for that friend group, but I think this applies to me in general.

I am grateful I listened to the voice in my head that demanded I leave for this weekend. This was refreshing and helped me to gain perspective again. I am obsessed with Maine, and I foresee myself traveling all along the coast until I find my safe and favorite place to be. Until then, keep following along on these adventures. I appreciate you coming along!