New Hampshire

Prologue

Last night, I had an appointment for a hair cut. It was supposed to be a curly haircut, and I assumed it was going to be like the one I had in April. At that appointment, my hair was cut dry, and she sculpted the haircut based on the waves of my natural hair. When I sat down for yesterday's haircut, she briefly looked at my hair and said “I kind of see some waves,” then washed my hair and proceeded with a normal haircut. Nothing curly related whatsoever. When she went to finish styling, she asked if I wanted it straight or wavy, and I said wavy because that's how I always wear my hair. She told me that since I always do it that way, I should change it up and wear it straight. She also wanted to see how it looked when it was straight and dry, even though I said that didn't matter because I don't wear it that way. Clearly, her mind was made up, and I had to go along with it. I got to my car and cried. 

I had plans with some friends afterwards, and they were so sweet about how good my hair looked. However, I immediately started to cry to them because my curly haircut was the exact opposite of what I wanted. I told them that I know it's ridiculous to be so upset by my hair because it truly doesn't matter. Zoë very sweetly responded that she understood why I was upset. I am on a journey with my hair and trying to embrace its natural state, and to think I was going to have a haircut and style that would emulate that, but then walk away feeling dissatisfied and ignored was what made it so awful. 

I ended up having a fabulous time with my friends. Lots of laughter and ridiculousness ensued. It is so wonderful to be making friends and building community. I was up until midnight, and while I am tired today, it was absolutely worth it. 

Day One - October 11, 2025

This morning, I woke up at 7:30. Apparently the internal clock has been set for my Saturdays. After being up for a little bit, I went back to sleep until 9:15. I had a facial scheduled for this morning. This facial has been hard to get to. I scheduled one for August, and it ended up being a consultation where I was talked into buying a package of laser treatments to treat my acne scarring. The one rule was that I cannot do the treatments when on antibiotics. Normally, I am never on antibiotics, so I had thought it was no big deal. Then, the week of my first laser treatment, I went to urgent care for a UTI and was put on antibiotics. When I went to reschedule, I decided we could just cancel that month’s appointment and add another in November to make things right. Then, when my September appointment came around, I had to go back to urgent care to get on more antibiotics because the UTI hadn't actually fully gone away. We scheduled an appointment for once the antibiotics were done, but when I arrived I was 45 minutes late for the appointment. She told me a time that I wrote down, but put a different time in the system. I was able to schedule an appointment for the following Saturday, but on that Friday, I got a call saying that the machine broke, and we couldn't follow through. This past week, I was offered a free treatment to make up for the lost appointment, and we set up a time for today. I FINALLY was able to get a facial today, and they didn't accept tips, so it was purely free. My skin feels dewy and fresh. I love revitalizing my skin to make space for a healed version to grow. Maybe this has a metaphor within it. 

On my way back from my appointment, I stopped at Starbucks for a coffee to help with the sleepiness and to try to remove the need for a nap. Once I got home, I folded my laundry and put it away while I simultaneously packed for my trip. I tried to finalize some cleaning touches to my apartment before I left, so I didn't feel annoyed at pre-vacation Stephanie for leaving a mess. When I was finally ready, I brought my items downstairs and saw the crew working breakfast duty. With my bags in hand, I had to explain my camping setup and plans. Clearly, it feels weird to people that I camp in my car. But I am so excited for the inaugural camping trip in my brand new RAV4. When I purchased it in August, I asked the salesman to put the seats down to verify I could fit. This clearly is a non-negotiable part of owning a vehicle now. I love that my car can open up my world by providing a space to sleep. It is my backup plan if ever I become homeless. 

Before I left campus, I stopped by the Townsend home. I came in to hug Zoë and say goodbye. As we hugged, she started to say a prayer over me to protect me on my trip. I started crying, as apparently I am apt to do this week and maybe also in this phase of my life. She pulled away and asked if I was crying and then why. To be completely honest, she is one of the most peaceful and calming souls I have ever met in my life. She is a source of unconditional love and the most safest of spaces for me. I am forever grateful to the universe for bringing us together because she is my soul sister. This is exactly what I was seeking in disrupting my life and moving away. It is the perfect epitome of the concept that you don’t even know all the people who you will love. I never could have imagined loving a person as much as I love her. I am truly blessed by this friendship. 

After I drove away from school, I realized that I had forgotten to drop off my tax bill for my car like I was planning and had to turn back to drop it off at the township. Then, when I got back on the road and on the highway, I realized I forgot my pillow. I had to turn around to get it. Finally, I was on my way to New Hampshire. On the way, my grandma called me to check in. She had received a Halloween card from me, and she wanted to tell me about her Halloween decorations. During the call, she asked if I had been making friends, and I told her about my plans last night and the close-knit friendships that I am forming. Her response was about how important female friendships are. She said that when my grandfather was alive, she was grateful for her female friends because she could tell them things she couldn't even tell him. On her birthday in September, I had a similar conversation with my Aunt Pat, who is forming a friend group of her own in her mijong group. On top of this, I heard something recently about how men need women, but women really need relationships with women. It all comes down to the emotional intelligence women have that men don't. Women are able to support each other in ways men are not taught. I am grateful for my female friendships and this pattern of conversations that has been emerging. 

On my drive, I listened to music and attempted to listen to my Parviti Shallow audiobook. It wouldn't connect, so I opted to listen to my Drama Queens podcast. This summer on my drive to Michigan, I was able to get caught up, and I am no longer a year behind. They are about three episodes from the end of the series, and I have enjoyed following along for the duration. When I finally got to New Hampshire, I pulled into a rest stop to go to the bathroom and grab a snack. In my busy day, I had forgotten to eat an actual meal. I knew that I could have something from a vending machine and get to the campsite to then make a plan for dinner. I followed that path, and once I got settled, I decided to go to dinner at Hobbs Brewery. 

I sat at the bar, as I am apt to do when traveling or any other time I am alone. The bartender asked for my order, and I offered three options. They made the final decision of fish tacos, Cajun fries, and a side Cesar salad. As I sat there, I started writing this journal. It has been a long and tiring day after a long and exhausting week. My brain keeps returning to my road trip in 2022 when I chose to sleep in my snow-covered car in Ohio because it would be better than staying where I was. I can feel it in my soul that I need a reset, and I needed to get away for this long weekend. There is some nostalgia that is riddling my mind lately, and I don't know how to shake it. The loss of old friendships is creeping up as I am forming new ones. The familial struggles are coming to light as new members are coming to existence. The falling leaves and the changing season are mirroring the many changes that are occurring within me. I am happy to get away and live simply. Being alone and in nature is often my way to return from this internal strife. 

Upon returning from dinner, I opted into trying my hand at starting a fire. I have learned my lesson from Maine, and I will not be putting my hand on any log, even if it doesn’t seem lit. At the camp store, I purchased a bundle of wood and a book of matches. Then, I gathered kindling of fallen pine needles and leaves. With a few match strikes and added kindling, my pieces of wood lit up without issue. Maybe I can be on Survivor one day without being med evac'd. The dream persists. I am finalizing today's entry, which is very basic and simple. I have no plans for the upcoming days, so I don't even know if there will be much to add to this. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if anyone reads this or enjoys what I have to say. It is fun to slow down for a moment and reflect. 

P.S. It turns out the bathrooms at this campground are port-a-potties. I may as well be in the wilderness, rustic camping. 😑 Wish me luck!

P.P.S. I was visited by a raccoon. Totally not scary to hear footsteps and look over to see an animal that is widely known for potentially possessing rabies. I've seen a lot of skunks and bluejays lately. Maybe there is animal spiritualism here. Maybe it’s a good omen?

Day Two - October 12, 2025

Woke up this morning to a dead cell phone and confusion as to what time it was. It was cold last night, so I slept in sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt in my sleeping bag. My nose got cold at some point, so I burrowed myself into the covers, leaving a tiny hole for air to come in and out. The whole night, I was only able to go from side to side because I was so cocooned inside. The slight slope of the backseats also had me sliding towards the trunk, and no matter how many attempts to be less cramped, I lost the battle. My air mattress could have used another few pumps, but I was too cold and tired to attempt to fix it. Tonight, I will do a better job when prepping my bed. It’s hilarious to me that this summer, it was so incredibly hot that I couldn't sleep, and this time it was such brisk fall weather. Everything changes over time. No two experiences will ever be the same. 

Once I birthed myself out of the sleeping bag (it honestly is the best way to describe what happened), I decided to try to figure out the layout of the campground. This campground is the most confusing one I have ever had to navigate. There is no real order to the number of sites. There are no one-way roads to make directions clear. Even the roads are more along the lines of trails in the woods, where you are unsure of if it’s an actual road or a campsite. (To prove my point, as I am writing this in the night, someone walked into a campsite next to mine with their flashlight and wandered around, thinking it was the road to the bathroom. They eventually left and wandered past my site onto the actual road.) Extremely confusing. On my walk, I found a campsite number I couldn't find yesterday, and it unlocked the missing information that helped me understand the map. Finally, I was able to follow the path to the bathroom and showers, and while there were port-a-potties, there were actual toilets and running water. Last night, I had used a bottle of water to wash my face and get ready for bed because I sincerely could not figure out the layout and assumed the other set of port-a-potties I had found were the only bathrooms available. I will be grateful tonight when I go to get ready for bed. 

After charging my phone in the bathroom plugs and getting ready for the day, I decided to start my morning with a diner. I found one near my campground, and it had a relatively long line. I opted into the line because what else was I going to do with my morning, and I have learned that sometimes I choose terrible restaurants. I considered that if this one had a line, it was probably worth the wait. As I waited in line, this man was hilarious, joking about everything. A child had touched the board and his mom threatened to send him to the end of the line unless he stopped. The man jokingly asked if he could touch it or be sent to the end of the line himself. The sign said they closed at noon, and he and his wife decided that they would probably let customers finish eating before sending them on their way. The chimes on the door were spoons, so he joked about those being the spoons of the people who refused to leave at noon. A warning of sorts for the customers as they entered. 

Once I got through the line, I was able to sit at the bar. I ordered coffee and stuffed French toast. It had a raspberry puree and cream cheese/Danish sort of filling with a side of bacon. It was so delicious. I love getting French toast because I don’t make that at home. I will gladly pay for someone else to make it in the top tier way. While I ate, I tried to make some form of a plan for the day. Upon leaving the restaurant, I headed towards the white mountains. More specifically, the welcome center. It was an hour away from my location. I genuinely don't know how I plan my trips sometimes or maybe I just don't understand the vast space that the mountain area covers. 

On the drive, my dear friend Jack called me. He's been skipping my calls this week, since he is home in Indiana. Of course, we only talked for a little bit before the mountains cut us off. Better the mountains than our lack of ability to say goodbye. The scenic beauty of the mountains and trees was remarkable, and I contemplated how I should be doing more than just driving. But sometimes it's okay to just drive and appreciate. There's always tomorrow to try to do something more physically exciting in the woods. Or maybe I just drive home. That would be perfectly okay as well. 

At the welcome center, I looked at the stuffed animals. (I don't think they are genuine animals that were taxidermied, but I also don't know.) There was a bear and a moose. I listened as the concierge gave another family some suggestions, and I heard him mention Mt. Washington. Before I left, I purchased my standard postcards. I have to decide who they go to, so be on the lookout for mail. 😉 Once I was done, I got in my car and headed to the summit. Along the drive, I saw the lookout point for Old Man's Head, so I pulled over. When I got there, I was massively confused at what I was supposed to be looking at. Then, after reading some random things, I realized that thanks to erosion, the cliff is no longer in the shape of a man's face. It fell in 2003. However, you can stand on a patio paver with your height, and there's a sculpture that will help make it appear as if it was still there. I don’t know if I really appreciate this or hate it. Like it's been over two decades… why are we holding on? Orrrrrrrr it's been two decades and it meant so much that we have to appreciate the beauty. I think I align more with the first one. Beautiful things come and go. It served its time and then nature did what nature does, and now it no longer exists. Please don't judge me for that stance. It feels like it's holding on to a legacy and its past. (I love that some of the information said it was first seen by white men. Obviously no one could have seen it prior to that, and clearly women couldn't be present. 🙄 I'm sure it was simply the first time it was documented.) Also, why is a face on the side of a cliff the means for a tourist attraction. It's funny what people are inclined to see… I mean, I also stopped, so I am no better, but still…Last thing about this man's face…it is on the road signs. Maybe I don't understand its cultural impact on New Hampshirites (if that's what they're called, personally not a fan), but I think it is time for something new. (Genuinely don't know where this random beef is coming from for New Hampshire. Clearly I have opinions!)

Afterwards, I finished my drive to the scenic summit. I paid for my car to go up the mountain, and I question my brain. Why didn't I pay for the tour van to take me up instead? The whole drive, I was concerned I would drive over the edge. My anxiety on the way up was terrible. Once I got to the top, it was windy and cold, and I regretted not having a winter jacket or scarf or hat/headband or gloves. Even one of the things would have made a drastic difference. The wind whipped my face and knotted my hair. I had to move quickly for fear that I was going to be blown over the edge or turn into ice. Safe to say, I did not stay up there for too long before deciding it was time to descend the mountain. 

Luckily the woman who I paid for my ticket up the mountain showed me how to put my car in its lowest gear. I learned a new feature and going down was much less frightening than the drive up, when I really expected the opposite to be true. I had to stop my car “periodically” to let my brakes cool. I don't really know what that means, so I stopped randomly three separate times. One time, I turned the car off. The other two, I sat for a moment before returning to the road. I didn't have cell service, or I would have googled what appropriate etiquette would have been. I did the best with the lack of knowledge, and I hope that my car didn’t get irreversible damage. 

After leaving the mountain, I drove past a place and turned back around to stop for food. It was called the Red Fox Bar & Grille. On the mountain, I saw some pistachio shells, and this bar had a drink called “Too Pistachio For You”. In my childhood, my dad's parents, who we called Mémé and Papa, had pistachios at pretty much every family event. As children, my cousins and I would take the shells to use as money in our forts that were made out of the huge trees on the side of their property. We got yelled at on multiple occasions because my grandfather thought we were stealing the pistachios, with the nuts inside, and those were way too expensive to waste on children. (And I'm fairly sure the shells were messing up his lawnmower.) Now, as an adult, whenever I see the shells, I feel like my grandparents, who have long since passed, are stopping by to say hi. Earlier this year, I had a conversation with them about how most of my “symbols” associated with my grandparents relate to either my grandmother or the pair of them, and I don’t have one for just my grandfather. That week, I saw a shell. I now realize that my grandfather is trying to make his presence known whenever I see them, especially since he was the one to make a big deal about it. It's wild how the love you have for someone sticks around so long after they pass. How seeing something can bring back all of the memories you have with someone. Even writing this, I am crying and missing them. I am happy that they chose to check in on me. They're around often enough for me to know that they are with me on my adventures. I think they love seeing all these places I travel! 

Let's change the topic and my sappiness. At the bar, I sat by this woman, who complimented my Duluth flannel jacket. We talked about my love of their company and how I would most definitely recommend their products. She was crocheting and had a bag (a match for one I used to own) filled with yarn. Her glasses were red polka dots. When her friends left, they wished her luck on her move. We talked about her decision to leave and how her circle of happiness was small, and she needed to go somewhere new to expand it. She said it is easy for her to find friends and a job, so she might as well leave. All of this to say, I think I met the ghost of my Christmas future tonight. While I don't have super bright colored glasses at this phase of my life, maybe the future me does. Maybe this is a reminder that when the walls feel like they're crushing us, it's never too late to find the trap door and plan an exit strategy. Like-minded people are everywhere. 

After dinner, I headed back to the campground. On the drive, I saw a trailer camper that was FREE! My sister has someone in her life who buys and brings her things she does not want or need because it was “too good of a deal to pass up!” I sent her a message about it and how I could go back and bring it to her. I know she would love it so much! She told me I messed up by not getting it and bringing it to her before she could say no. My bad. It made me laugh nonetheless. I also stopped for more firewood with the plan to let one bundle burn and then whenever it was done, I could go to bed. This is the second day where I easily built a fire without burning my finger! Super proud of myself! Jeff Probst, I will see you on season 51!

Overall, today hasn't been wildly exciting or adventurous. I listened to so many songs thanks to my Sirius XM subscription. My favorite one is Tyler Childer's new song called “Bitin’ List”. If you don’t mess with country music because it has become more and more problematic, I get it. However, Tyler is outside of that realm for many reasons. This song is hilarious, and it is making me contemplate who I would want to bite if I came down with rabies. I don’t necessarily think I have that much rage and distaste for anyone, but then I think of a few people and decide that if I had to I could find at least two people I would take down with my sinking ship. I'm purposefully going to leave this vague, and I will neither confirm nor deny any names. Just know it's probably not the two you’re thinking of. 😉 The other song that stood out to me is a new one by Gwen Stefani called “Used to Love You”, where she talks about how she remembered that before she hated someone, she used to deeply love them. She sings “I don't know why I cry/But I think it's cause I remembered for the first time/Since I hated you/That I used to love you”. I think that my nostalgia lately is coming from this same space. The loss of friends I mentioned yesterday hurts more because of the love that I had for them for a long time. Or maybe the loss of friends is hitting me so hard lately because in kindling new friendships, it makes me realize what a hole was left when they ended, and I realize it's been five years since I have had this deep of connections with multiple people at once. Do we all just walk around with holes in our hearts from the people who used to be our people? Is there any way to fully get over it? I genuinely don’t know, but I do think there will be future people who fill my heart with love, and I think there will be a very near future conversation with some of my new loves about these old ones, and I think that will help me to drop some of the weight I have been carrying. 

Now I am going to fully absorb myself in the heat of the fire and watch the flickering of the flames. I will head to bed soon and curl into my sleeping bag and embrace my cozy car. Good night, my friends. 

Day Three - October 13, 2025

At some point last night, it began to rain. I remembered that I left my chair outside, and it was going to get wet. There was no level of saving I could do, so I opted to go back to bed, listening to the rain hit the roof of my car. Last night was warmer than the previous night, so I wasn't as cocooned. My face and arms could be out of the sleeping bag, so I was able to sleep on my stomach in my preferred position. Overall, my inaugural camping trip was nice. I think my Journey had some things on the RAV4, but I will adjust because it's not like I am going to stop camping, and I am not returning my vehicle. 

After I woke up and got ready, I found a place for breakfast and made a plan for the day. I decided to go to a café, and it was more of a coffee shop. You could order food from the counter and someone would bring it to you. As I waited in line, the people who came in after me were absolutely obnoxious. The mom demanded the kids go grab a table, but they refused, so her husband brought his coat over to reserve it. Then, the kids sat down at the table, and she would yell across the room to ask them questions. She complained about how slow the service was, but it seemed like they were regulars. Or at least had been on at least one other occasion because they knew what they ate the last time they were there. When it was finally my turn, I ordered a breakfast sandwich and a coffee. I was provided a number and sat at a table to wait. It was pretty yummy, but it feels like breakfast sandwiches are hard to mess up. 

Afterwards, I headed out to the Champney Falls Trailhead. I parked my car, but I didn't have a pass. I looked through my wallet and only had $20 bills, and I didn’t want to overpay for the $5 day pass. So I decided to grab an envelope and put the little pass thing on my car. (Don't worry. I strongly believe in doing the right thing and land conservation, so I did pay my $5, just not at that exact moment.) I headed up the mountain, crossing over the creek on three separate occasions, using the rocks as a bridge. I wanted to hustle because I was concerned I would get my car towed or a fine for pretending to have a pass that I didn’t actually pay for. Most of the hike, I said little prayers to protect my car from the rangers, and I swore that I would pay them if only they don't do either of those two things. I made it out to the waterfalls and briefly enjoyed the sight before returning back. I chose to follow the loop rather than going back how I came, which wasn't the best choice. There were lots of steep rocks that were wet. At one point, I slipped and landed right on my butt. At another point, I attempted to be careful, and I ended up sitting in some water. My pants were soaked, but I couldn't do anything about it. Once I got back to the original trail, it was an easy walk back to my car. Luckily, it was not towed nor was there a ticket. I was saved! 

Upon leaving, I went towards the Gorge scenic overview. So many people were in the valley, among the rocks. I quickly saw the pretty sights and made my way back to the car. Then, I pulled out into the lower falls area. There was a pass machine where I could use my credit card. I paid for the pass and hid my makeshift one from view. The falls were very lackluster, but if I had paid $5, I wanted to get the most out of my visits. 

When leaving, there wasn't any cell service, so I had to make a choice based on my perception of the way home. I stuck with it until I finally had service to help me find my way. On the drive, I listened to a podcast recommended by Deb based on my writing from this trip about creating your future self, so I searched up “Shankar Vidanthram,” “Hidden Brain,” and “future self.” Now, I am not sure what I listened to was what she was actually recommending for me, but I think it was still a good listen. We are forming our future selves through our current choices, even though we don't know what our future self will want. It made me think that it is impossible to know who our future self will be and what they will want. In essence, it reinforced our school's theme of “Right Here, Right Now,” because I can only know what this version of me can want, so I should make choices for her and her happiness. We also don't know the people or opportunities that will open our world in a new and exciting direction. Prior to my friend group who played DnD, I didn't think I had it in me to play that game or be creative in that way. Just like prior to Keiryn suggesting I travel by myself, that felt like something I couldn't do. The people who come into our lives can shape up and open us up in unseen ways. However, we also can't sit around and wait for that to happen. In the episode I listened to, he said that we might not know what to punch into our GPS, but we have to move in some direction, making choices based on what feels like the right and wrong turns to course correct. Our lives are just a series of course corrections and realignment. The current version of myself is grateful for my past experiences. I am a better person because of those people who opened up my world. However, it is time to embrace this current phase of life and be looking towards the future I want to have or at least be open to the unseen possibilities. 

After listening to that, I played Tyler Childers for a while, and then made a hail Mary for my Libby app to finally work! Once it did, I was able to listen to Parvati Shallow tell her story of the cult she grew up in and her time on Survivor. As you know, I am a huge Survivor fan! I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Black Widow Brigade and her ultimate win in the finale. In watching Heroes vs Villains, she was robbed of her second win. I think I have watched that season twice, and I read a think piece about why Sandra ultimately got the win that helped me to understand Parvati's loss. But in listening to her story, there is a lot of shaming that is done to Parvati for being flirty and for her woman's alliance. There is a tendency of Survivor to add fuel to stereotypes and create narratives that reflect the beliefs of the producers. It seems like it has helped to shape the ways women are discussed in our society as a whole. Our media is the influencer that decides the conversation we have. Ultimately, I have not finished the memoir, but I have always been inspired by strong willed women. The ones who see what they want and pursue it. Parvati is one of the best players in the series, and I admire her ability to strategically maneuver through a complex game. In her story, it seems that there is a whole other side of the experience and how it has changed her coping skills in life. I am grateful to listen to her story and to think about the woman I admire. 

Overall, the drive was a long one due to the rain and everyone driving cautiously thanks to the low visibility. However, my car is so thoughtful, as it asked if I needed a break and offered the suggestion for some coffee. I decided to stop at Panera Bread for some mac and cheese and a Greek salad. I wanted to make it home in time to shower before going on duty. Once I showered, I went to Zoë's to walk to the theater together. Turns out, I don’t have to work tonight. When I finish writing, I am going to figure out a Tuesday treat for the dorm students, and then I will do some crocheting while I continue with the audiobook.