The Results

When I set out to write about my PH friend group, I didn't anticipate how cathartic reliving my past would be. Going through the phases of my career and focusing on that friend group has helped me to forgive the version of myself that lost them.

In Michigan and particularly when I quit working at Port Huron, I felt like I was failing. Like I was supposed to be doing more and that success would look and feel like a specific thing. By leaving teaching, I thought that I was weak. In sharing my journey, it opened up conversations with past students, and I was able to see myself from their perspective.

One student shared that after reading the saga, she thought it was admirable that after everything, I would bring a smile to class and continue to teach even though it was hard. Another said I was, "the teacher who motivated [her] the most. Reading this made [her] realize how much [I] truly prioritized [my] students even while going through a painful time." Another shared that I was, "one of the big reasons why [she] worked so hard to get [her] diploma even with how behind [she] had gotten." Yet another said, "You saw me for what I was and not just some other 'troubled kid'. You gave me opportunity to thrive and be better. I will forever cherish that."

For the record, the student who said the last thing was never a troubled kid. She was hilarious and brilliant. Not even once did I see that other version that she claims existed. It's funny that it feels like a chicken and egg situation. I don't think it was me that made her thrive because I never saw someone who wasn't motivated, even from the first day of class. Maybe it was the class environment and mix of students that helped foster our relationship, but I only ever remember the goofy and smart version of that person, and I would only ever speak highly of her. It is always how I saw her.

In writing about my teaching journey, I reflected that I lost something that felt special about teaching, and I was still missing that version of myself. Through this feedback, I remember how impactful these relationships were - not only for me, but for those who I work with. How lucky for a mutual love and respect to be shared. I was so blessed to have all of my former students, and I genuinely did love them all. It is really special to get that love returned.

After coming back from break, I felt that old spark return to my soul. I have felt lighter with more joy in working with my students. Even today, a colleague who I don't always see told me that she can see the energy and excitement I have. The barrier I had put up was brought down. I am allowed to have unconditional love for my students, and I am allowed to be playful and compassionate. I am realizing that I will not deplete myself in the same way I had before because I know the signs of what to look for, but I will also handle the struggle differently in my continued maturity.

In addition, the writing and reflecting I had on that friend group has helped me to release the pain I felt. By having a discussion about the past and clearing the air, I was able to let go some of the shame I had. I was led on by someone, and I realize that I was naïve and young. It was okay to see what I wanted to see (and what other people made me see). To see the experience through new eyes with the lapse of time let me set aside my feelings and inspect the situation as an outsider.

It was also really healing to have conversations with my current friends who didn't know me at the time. They saw things from my perspective and were upset on my behalf. They reassured me that I wasn't stupid nor was I asking for too much in my expectations. To be validated by people now is helping me to see the growth in the respect and love I expect to receive in my current relationships. No longer will I accept selfishness. No longer will I appease those who would never return the favor. I do not need to pretzel myself into small spaces that do not value the vast parts of me and my needs. They show me unconditional love. They respect and support me. I do not question my value in these relationships nor do I beg for reciprocity. It is the standard feature, not an add-on.

On top of that, I had two phone conversations with former students about the events, and I appreciate the maturity of the conversations. Both students have had close relationships with me during their time in high school, and we have had many heartfelt and sincere conversations in the time since. Due to my close relationship, my former friend shared that he was concerned with them knowing too much about him. They were his students as well, so he was afraid that they would bring it up to him or his current students. I have moved on and moved away, but he remains there. He didn't think it was fair for me to share this story, particularly with those two. However, I told him that it's my story, and I would be sharing whether he was comfortable or not. I let him read it before I posted out of respect, but I wasn't going to silence myself for him. For so long, I held my tongue for his (and others') comfort, and I am glad I didn't take his plea. By sharing, I was able to regain my voice and release everything that I have bottled up. It was a reclaiming of my power and importance. I shrunk myself then, but I refuse to now. It feels nice.

I had told my former friend that I thought those students could relate to my writing and reflection because they are currently in the phase of life that I was in at that time. I wanted to tell them what happened, so maybe I could empower them to speak up in their ambiguous relationships or to have conversations they were afraid of. I wanted to tell them to not shrink themselves for other people or due to the fear they wouldn't receive the love they want and deserve. I wanted them to advocate for themselves and communicate their needs. I wanted them to have hard conversations.

Additionally, I told him that those two in particular had known a version of the story. We have had conversations circling the topic with hints about the depth, but they had never used it against him or brought it up to anyone in the time they have known, so I knew they would not change with the new information shared. They had been curious, so it felt rude to publish something and then keep it from them, knowing the close nature of our relationship. They are now in their 20s, and as I know through my current friendships with people 40 and older, we are entering a phase where they are my peers rather than subordinates.

As a result of the concern, I called one of the students to frontload the information. I told her I was writing a piece, and I needed her to know that it would be about that person, but she couldn't be weird about it. She laughed and asked why I thought she would be weird. I explained the conversation and prepared her for what she would read in the post. She and I had a very heartfelt conversation about whether I should hide the post from the other student, as was requested, and she said she didn't think I should. Her reasoning was that in our long conversation, we discussed babies and serious relationships other former students have and are in, so they are in a phase of life where this post would be meaningful to them. That other student is mature and wouldn't behave in the way he was afraid of. Finally, she shared that no one would reach out to him to discuss the content. She said that I have always been open and honest with my students in a way he was not. He is reserved and private where I am vulnerable and real. If anyone resonated with the story, they would want a conversation with me over him. I would welcome it, and he would not.

To have this former student, who is honestly more of a friend now, share that her views were reflective of mine verified that I needed to follow my gut. I have good intuition and instincts, and I need to believe in them and myself.

As a result, when I posted, I decisively did not block the other person from the post. To clarify, I had considered calling her and having a conversation ahead of posting, but she and I had not talked in a while. I was afraid that I had done something to upset her or made her uncomfortable. I had reached out without response before, so I opted to not call and offload something so personal onto someone I was worried was trying to remove themself from my orbit. Especially because of the nature of our original relationship. As her former teacher, it didn't feel appropriate.

However, once I posted, she sent me a text to ask if we could talk. I immediately dialed her number. We began the conversation with my explanation of not reaching out ahead of time. She shared the reason she had distanced herself from me was about the content of a conversation we had in 2023. She called me to share devastating news, and her brain began to associate me with that tragedy. Fair enough. Grief is hard, and the loss of a beloved friend is catastrophic.

After clearing the air, she shared that she read the post and wanted to catch up. We talked about life and what has happened since that time. During the conversation, she said that she wanted my insight on a situation she was in because of what I went through, and she thought I would understand. I won't share any of the specifics because that's not my story to share. However, she was conflicted with what course of action she needed to take about a situation. I was able to provide advice on which hard conversation was the one she needed to have. We haven't yet followed up about the aftermath or decisions yet, but I am proud of her for beginning to have the hard conversation with herself about what she wants for her future.

I knew when writing about my experience that others, but particularly those students, needed to read it. They needed the closer and clarity in the same way I did. When they were students, I was always open and honest with them about things others might have brushed off or ignored or downplayed. I told them the truth about my decision to leave my job and have had many conversations with them about forging uncertain paths. When they are unsure of what to do, they trust that I will listen and support them without judgement. I am proud that I have become that for them. Even though they are adults with adult responsibilities, I am glad that we have remained connected. It is really meaningful that I get to continue to be a mentor figure in their lives and fill the space I craved in my own life.