Hair: Masking

I want to shave my head. Or maybe get bangs. Or maybe take a pair of scissors and cut off whatever feels right.

It's ridiculous how it feels like your hair is the problem when you can look around at all the various things that feel out of your control, suffocating you.

In our global case, all the nasty and vile shit that keeps getting released inundates our feeds, sprinkling the horror into our every day life, numbing us to the atrocities of those who have so much money and power, they can do whatever they want. Or at least have been for who knows how long.

In the smaller scale, it is feeling trapped and stuck, knowing that your grandma is 95 and you're at least a ten hour car ride, so if she starts to decline as was a reality within the past month, you won't be able to see her. It's being overwhelmed by the 200 hour project you have to complete within the next few months, requiring 20 hours of observations during every single free moment in your day to meet the first deadline in May. It's feeling like you're hemorrhaging money to pay out of pocket for your class with all the other various bills that come from being a grown up adult.

I want to vomit and cut my hair and cry. It might even be nice to scream.

But alas, I am an adult, and I have learned the lesson that my hair is too valuable to chop off in a time of desperation. It will not solve my problems. Unfortunately.

Oh, but I wish it could.

My friend Zoë told me yesterday that if she had my hair, she would be unstoppable. I jokingly responded that I have my hair, so what is holding me back? But then again, she has previously told me that I have main character energy. Maybe there isn't anything holding me back in the eyes of those around me, and maybe I am unstoppable?

I mean, I have been told more than once that I am determined, and when I make up my mind, I reach whatever goal I set for myself.

Bringing this back to my hair, my Aunt Mary told me once that she had the upmost amount of faith in me achieving consistent nature curls in my hair because of my determination and used the fact that I moved to a new state and started over without knowing anyone because I had made up my mind that it was going to happen to support her claim.

It's hard to see yourself in that way because to me it was hard fought battles where I got knocked down repeatedly and was told incessantly that I was ridiculous for wanting to leave or believe that my life can look however I want it to be. Even now, I have been told that I am clearly miserable and lonely because I have embarked on my journey in this way.

How can it be determination with its positive connotation when it feels like it's obstinance or tenacity with their more negative perceptions?

It's funny because I truly don't think I have a hard life. I don't think my struggles are worse than what so many other people face. Yet, it is difficult to be undermined, dismissed, and disregarded. To feel like I have to prove my worth and ability repeatedly.

I feel like I constantly am screaming to be taken seriously or to be appreciated. But then again, I know that there are people in my life who do those things, but it is hard to believe that it could be meant for me. I have been trained to think that I can't accept any praise because it was constantly swatted away from me or I was told that I didn't deserve it.

Realistically, I do believe that my life can look the way I want it to. I believe that I can find the people and connections that are meant for me, and I will forge a path through the bullshit set before me, and I will make it work. I have faced down my deepest fears and have started over. I have held myself up and protected myself as necessary.

Even in spite of all the pain that I have faced in the various forms of betrayal from close friends and family members, I pick myself up, and I hold my head high, and I allow myself to be vulnerable enough to open myself up to close connections, knowing that it can end in the same hurt. That I can be discarded and disrespected and disposable.

It is a super power to be able to stitch up your heart and put it back on your sleeve for the next person to do as they wish.

I don't believe that it is my destiny to continue to be left broken-hearted by those around me. I truly believe that as I write and process and re-wire my nervous system, I can obtain the peaceful and cozy life that I want to have. I don't think that I will need to continue fighting for scraps or to take up space. I am determined to let my past be my past and for a beautiful life to be realized. A life where I help others and build community and meaningful connections.

Until then, I will take it day by day and step by step. I will write to do lists that at times will be overwhelming. I will work ahead when I can and accept when I fall short. I know that the upcoming months are going to be difficult and intense, but there will be numerous moments of joy to help shift the balance of the scale.

With that knowledge, I will refrain from chopping off my beautiful princess hair. Something else I have been told by more than one person. Though, I did set up an appointment for the 7th, so I can trim off some bits that feel dead to make room for new, healthy growth. I deserve to remove the old and make space for something better.