Dear Man in Starbucks 12/27/25

This week, my cousin Katherine came to visit me. We have a tradition over the last three years to celebrate our holidays together in non-traditional ways. It started on Mother's Day in 2023 after my mom tried to strangle me and said the most vile shit about how much she hates me. I had moved out, thanks to the help of my sister and now brother-in-law, who gave me a spare room and little questions or need for justification about how I could not live with someone who was supposed to love me but clearly verbalized that she didn't nor couldn't. Katherine was one of the few people who understood and supported me. She took me in as an outsider when I really needed someone in my corner. A safety net of sorts, as I waited for my time to be able to leave and start fresh. Even though holidays aren't so bad now that I know how to rewrite them and rewire them for something special that I can enjoy, I am glad to carve out the space for her to visit and get away to celebrate in our non-traditional ways. As a result, I wanted to get a hotel, so we could really experience Boston without interruption.

Last night, we went bar hopping and mixed and matched various drinks. We knew it was a dangerous drinking game we were playing, but we wandered through the city without a plan or concern. When it started snowing, we decided to take a Lyft back to the hotel, even though it was a five minute ride. Our driver was originally from Iraq, and he giddily joined in to our conversation when we talked about a trip to Canada from ten years ago. He stopped outside the hotel to swap stories about a time when he was 16 and accidentally drank too much with someone and had to give them an elixir to remedy their overdrinking. We laughed together in our brief moment of shared experience even though we come from different parts of the world. It was a lovely ending to a random adventure.

This morning, we stayed in the hotel room until the 11 am check out time arrived. I forgot to notify the valet 20 minutes ahead of time, so we had to wait for the car to arrive. As a result, I went into Starbucks and got in line for a drink. A man, yes you, came behind me and immediately started a conversation as if we have been lifelong friends. You asked me if I survived the blizzard from last night, and I jokingly replied that I don't know how we survived such a terrible storm. You shared that you are now living in LA, so you are less familiar with driving in the snow as you once were. You said that you didn't want to drive to Wellesley and opted for a hotel last night rather than driving to see your family. I joked that I didn't know where Wellesley was because I am new to Massachusetts and originally come from Michigan. I also clarified that it was why I didn't think that the snow from last night constituted alarm. You said your sister, I believe, went to U of M, and then "Go Blue!" and I looked at you with play disgust and replied with "Go Green!" You said that not everyone can be perfect, and you could forgive me for being a Michigan State grad.

This is where our conversation got very personal, and I genuinely think you were looking for a friend in that moment, and I am happy that I could be there to joke with you, but also be a confidant. Sometimes it is easiest to say the hardest things to absolute strangers. To lay our heart bare without judgment because who cares if this random human thinks about you ever again. (If you haven't read The Wedding People by Alison Espach, you should because it very much covers this topic and forging deep and profound friendships with absolute strangers because of this ability to have raw, unapologetic honesty with someone you plan to never see again.) To be honest, maybe we were brought together because I have a deep understanding of how it feels when you are struggling to feel loved by the people who are supposed to love you without question. I understand what it feels like to want your parent to say the words I AM PROUD OF YOU! To scream it! For it to be ludicrous that you even have to question it. But alas, you told me that last night you got absurdly high because you couldn't sleep and wanted it to help lull you to sleep, but instead, you had a conversation with a younger version of yourself, and you stood in for the role of your dad. You just wanted to be told that he was proud of you. I am sad that I didn't share what I previously wrote to you in that moment, but I am glad that I told you that I am so very proud of you (without any need for you to justify why you would deserve someone to be proud of you), and I am sorry that I am not your dad or a man to be able for that to impact you in a more profound way. I am disappointed that I didn't share a conversation I had with my dad on that same day that I lost my mom... probably as a result of my losing my mom... where I told him that I had never once been told that anyone in our family was proud of me. My dad was sad and offended that I didn't feel that he was proud of me, and he shared (not as an excuse, but in a moment of connection) that he had never been told that anyone was proud of him. He didn't know how to say the words when they were never provided to him. In that moment, I realized that my dad was a sad little boy who was also yearning for love from his parents, as I think, many of us are. Not many people know how to ask for it or how to verbalize it, and they go through their life without. In that conversation, my dad did tell me he was proud of me. I wish I would have told you to ask your dad to say the words, but I know that it's scary to be that vulnerable because not everyone has the tools to hear a request that intense and rise to meet it. The heart-break that comes when you don't get it is devastating, and I can understand not wanting to risk it. Schrödinger's cat and all that. If you don't ask, you both have and don't have it.

In typing this, I think that this might be part of the harmful things in our society being patriarchal. Men, in particular, are taught that feelings and emotions are feminine and for women, and real men suck it up. They don't need anything. In reality, we all just want to be loved in a verbal way. We want to feel connected and cared for. We don't want to have to ask for it, and we aren't really provided tools to make it happen. You mentioned therapy, and your relationship with your therapist, so I can tell that you are working on gaining those tools. It would be nice if we lived in a society that freely provided the tools. We might live in a nicer world if everyone had access to their emotions in an emotionally mature way. We might be able to give freely, without withholding what was withheld from us.

Our conversation veered back into playful banter rather quickly. We joked about cash and how you carry $100 bills as a way to befriend people. I told you that I was doing it all wrong and seeking out genuine connections and like-minded people. You said that you were slaphappy, and then asked if I knew what it meant. I jokingly said I didn't, playing my favorite game with men, baiting them into mansplaining things that I clearly know to see how long they can explain away simple things that a women just couldn't understand. You didn't take the bait and called my game out immediately. You joined the joke by calling out how men overexplain things to women as if women are too stupid to understand things, then you turned it on me and wanted me to explain it. At that moment, your drink arrived. You asked about adding flavoring and creamer to it. I stood there, and when my drink arrived, I panicked. My assumption was that our short time together was over. I started to walk towards Katherine. Only you turned around and panicked when you didn't see me. You accidentally went to talk to me, but it was some random woman who wasn't in our little world. I apologized for walking away. We finished the bits of our jokes. We hugged. You went your way, and I went mine.

Katherine asked me why I didn't get your number, and I clarified that I had panicked. To be fair, you live in California, and I live in Massachusetts. I am happily an East Coaster for the foreseeable future, and I don't think I want to move out West. You clearly moved away and are happily in LA. I understand needing to move away and start a fresh life in a new place away from those who have hurt you. I would never want to force someone into being somewhere where they don't fit or belong. Plus, we only just spent about ten minutes together in line for coffee. I am not delusional enough to think this was some meet-cute. I am not waiting for us to have our paths cross again. However, I saw that you walked back in through a different door, and I almost asked for your number anyways. I panicked again. Katherine decided it was her turn to try. You said that you weren't interested because you got out of something and her attempt to make us friends wasn't considered.

For the record, I understand that it didn't make logical sense, but nonetheless, I want to thank you. For showing up so unapologetically you. You cried tears that you said were from laughing, and while I slightly believe that slaphappy tears from goofy banter could be the root cause, there was a hint of real tears laying underneath from the deeper moments in our conversation. Your heart was on your sleeve in a way that I also carry mine. Through being so free with your emotions, it made us connect, and I can see that there is value to being unapologetically yourself. It was refreshing. Additionally, by being playful and fun, you allowed me to be playful and fun. It's a side of myself that I have been missing so much lately. Everyone and everything in my life is so serious. And even when it isn't, everyone I know is tied to my job, so there is always a concern that I could be ruining friendships and work relationships at the same time. It feels high pressure. (Even though, I do genuinely have deep and loving relationships despite that fear, and I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life.) This conversation today lit me up. In a way that I haven't felt in a really long time. It reminds me of the friendships I had back home where it was banter and goofy all the time. When I felt lighter and freer.

One of my Rauhnächte wishes for the upcoming year has to do with light-heartedness and fun. I have a deep yearning for banter and goofy conversations, and I have been missing the sparks of joy that come from meeting someone new and unexpected. Dear friend, because yes, while our friendship may have been brief and I never learned your name, we had the spark of real friendship. Thank you for feeling like an omen for what is yet to come in 2026. I am fearful to be too ahead of myself, but I am also optimistic that the year of the horse is going to shake things up in the glorious ways I have been waiting for. I hope that you find your healing and unconditional love. I hope that you keep shining because I really needed your shine today, and I am glad to have met you.