"Casual Friendships Aren't Worth It To You"

This morning, my colleague told me about an interaction with a student, where the student correlated our school to Hogwarts. (I will set aside my opinion about J.K. Rowling for the sake of this story.) Apparently, in the conversation, the student correlated me with Professor Trelawney, the divination teacher. When prodded for the reasoning, the student said it was because I was spiritual. My colleague asked how she knew I was spiritual, and her response was "vibes". My colleague, who is also a dear friend, told me this because we both know that I am a spiritual person, and she knew I would find it funny. I have tarot and oracle cards. I do readings at the beginning of the month and whenever else necessary. Not only do I do them for myself, I do them for others. It is something fun to get some clarity or some form of validation for feelings. Believe in it or don't. All I know is that I enjoy doing it and find value in it.

The longer I have lingered with this comparison, the more connected I feel to this character. Not a single part of me feels like it was an insult, and if it was meant as one, then I have had plenty of worse insults from other former students, and she needs to up her game. I will enhance her take by adding the fact that Professor Trelawney was viewed as crazy, even though she prophesized everything that happened between Harry and Voldemort. She was right, even though people couldn't see it. There are certain things that I have "prophesized" in the recent past that we are still waiting to shake out. I have feelings about certain people and situations, and I could be completely crazy (I know there are people who definitely see me as such), but only time will tell if I was onto something or not. In the meantime, I am just trying to live my life and move it forward.

This leads me to the next part of my story. Since I thought this was so funny, I sent a bunch of Snap videos of this story to my friends and family who have read Harry Potter and would get the reference. One of the people is a friend who I have a complicated history with. A friend who I used to work with and who I was romantically interested in. We never dated or even pursued anything because I had quit my job and was going through a realignment period. I was shedding a lot of myself and fighting a lot of battles both internally and externally that would have been thwarted by being involved with someone who wanted to stay where they were. On top of that, it felt one-sided. Like someone who never wanted to accommodate or value me. Someone who would make plans and cancel if something better came along. At the time, I had a lot of free time and wasn't invested in anything, so I didn't mind inconsistent plans because I was going to leave and that "relationship" didn't matter.

Until I did mind. In November 2023, we made plans, and then he picked a fight with me. Something to upset me, so I would cancel the plans. Then he could twist it on me and say that I was the reason we weren't hanging out, even though he was the one cancelling the plans. I told him that I was over having a one-sided friendship and being passed over consistently. To feel like I didn't matter to him. Picking up breadcrumbs that someone was offering me. We stopped all communication.

When I was hired and planning to move in 2024, we were back in communication. It was mostly about my impending job opportunity, and when I went to leave, he was offered one time slot, and he was required to take it or leave it. For our farewell, I told him that I wasn't sorry for being short with him, and he told me he understood that I was asking him to make an effort, and he was trying. Since I have moved, we have stayed loosely in contact. We sometimes Snap back and forth. An occasional text about something in pop culture. Nothing more than casual.

Tonight, when I sent out my story for those who I thought would care, he responded with "at a bar. didn't hear any of that." My first reaction was "this is typical". Then, I thought about the response. At no point was I asked to resend the information, so he could respond when he wasn't busy and could hear it. No follow up. It felt like an "I don't care enough to listen to you when you tell a story," or an "I'm sure it was dumb anyways." I know it's not fair of me to put those words to his, but I feel like the history of our relationship has been a lot of me feeling like it's lopsided. One person who cares WAY too much to the other person trying to put in the least amount of energy to keep it going.

This year, my Rauhnächte wish that is mine to bring to reality is, "I have healthy and reciprocal relationships." It is living rent free in my mind, and I am constantly thinking about people and questioning whether they are in that realm. There are some I have hopes for after conversations, but there are others that feel like they have served their time. After knowing someone for seven years, I should know what they are offering. To feel consistently unsure of someone after all this time should be an answer. As a result, I deleted him from Snapchat. And I immediately smiled. It felt like I cut a cord that was tying me energetically to someone who isn't feeding into me, and it feels like a relief. A calling back of my power. It also feels like the opening of another door that I didn't realize was waiting for this trigger. We are still in the year of the snake. The shedding of the old to get to the next phase. I am determined to have much healthier attachments moving forward, and I am glad that I am meant to take an active part in achieving it. I understand that this one is meant for me to make my reality, and I am up for the challenge.

(I really love post-script information, clearly! But he was real mad when he saw that I deleted him, and we had a long back and forth about it, and I ultimately explained that this is about me caring too much for something casual, and I don't like that for me. He is not cut off, but this feels like the main mode of communication, and it feels nice to allow myself to acknowledge that I deserve more, and I will find it.)

Author's Note: The title comes from our text exchange, and I find it hilarious. I am not a casual person, and he MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET should know this! But he is right, casual relationships aren't worth it to me. I want genuine and authentic and deep connections with people. Anything less isn't worth the time. I will not ever apologize for that. Nor should he have to apologize for wanting things that aren't so intense. Again, it is clearly a mismatch of energy, Overall, I am grateful for who he has been as a friend and a potential romantic interest, and I am happy that there is a small window open in case it makes logical sense to reconnect. However, I am really glad to release something that was simply wasting my time and taking up space. I do not need to accept things that don't match what I want them to be.