Being Seen

My school has a theme for the year, and my first year's was "Seeing and Being Seen." We talked extensively about the importance of being known and how it positively impacts our students when they feel like an adult knows them.

I have been thinking about this concept lately thanks to my therapist. Last week's session was spent talking about how I feel like my opinion is never taken seriously. There are times in our sessions where I say something and laugh, and I get called out for it. When asked why I do it, I responded that no one takes me seriously when I say these things, so I may as well laugh about it. I was told that I take myself seriously and she takes me seriously, so we don't need to downplay what I say and laugh it off.

I love this woman, and I am glad that I was paired with her because she understands me when I talk about my soul and my life purpose and the way I think the world functions. In a session, she asked me about my belief system of our souls and what happens after we die because I mentioned my soul making choices for this lifetime, and I shared that I believe in reincarnation and that our souls are on journeys to grow and develop through the experiences we choose prior to incarnating. She shared that she has a similar belief system, so it is nice to be in alignment with her and speak in off the wall ways about my life/soul without feeling judged.

[If you want to learn more about my perspective, I highly recommend Journey of Souls by Michael Newton. He is a hypnotherapist who has done a lot with past life regression, so he wrote a book about what he's learned based on case studies since everyone he worked with shared similar experiences of what happens when we die.]

To get back to my point, I have been telling stories about how even when things are supposed to be about me, they become about someone else. It's as though other people treat me like they know best and don't want to hear me when I say otherwise. I was asked if I give up my agency or if it's been taken away, and I went through a specific scenario about how if I had tried to compromise or give alternative suggestions to the decision made by someone else, there would be a fight where I would be the bad guy and then it would spin around to follow through on the decision made by the other person. What is the point in fighting when you can go along and not deal with the fight and fallout, especially because their decision is going to be the final decision regardless of speaking out or not? I have learned to shut up for the sake of peace.

By leaving Michigan, and, more importantly, my family, I have given myself autonomy. I have slowly been growing and reclaiming my voice. An example of the reclamation is in this public journal of sorts. I know that it is public, and I know that those who care what I have to say tune in and those who don't opt out. While there is a part of me that is scared to write the things and have it spit back in my face or have someone quietly growing resentment towards me, I know that I am willing to be honest and have vulnerable conversations about what I have to say, and anyone is welcome to talk to me about what I am writing about or share if I am making them uncomfortable. If sharing my truth is going to cause someone to stop talking to me, then how stable and healthy of a relationship was that to begin with?

I am speaking from my experience, and it might not align with someone else's. Many things can be true at once, and I hope that those who respect me can try to consider where I am coming from. I hope that they would have the courage to open a conversation with me rather than stew in their feelings. However, I can't control what someone else does or how they react, and I am not going to live in fear of things being taken out of context and twisted. I know who I am and what I'm about, and if someone is determined to make me someone I am not, then it's not worth the fight to change their mind. I have grown to learn what's worth my effort and what is not.

There are relationships I maintain where I have to play small, but I have hope that they can and will change over time. I will continue to choose to navigate them because I have deep love for those people, even if they are unable to reciprocate in a meaningful way at this time. I am trying not to dwell on the past and what I don't always receive, and I am trying to see the ways I am surrounded by people who value and respect me.

Within my new life, I know that my friends take time to read through these and share with me that they appreciate reading my thoughts and opinions. They encourage me to continue to do so. People are taking me seriously. They value my words and perspective, and it allows me to expand. I have surrounded myself with people who want to know me and who actually see and understand me.

For example, last week I stopped by my friend Christina's house to borrow something, and she gave me my birthday slash not a birthday present because I was weird about my birthday, so it was really just a random present that didn't have to mean anything more than it was a gift intended for me. When I was in Searsport, I had written about seeing elephants, and she and I messaged about the elephants throughout the trip. Since I have continued to see them in random places, I sometimes will send her my "random elephant sighting of the day". As a result, she found elephant paper clips and bought me a bracelet with an elephant charm, so I could have constant elephant sightings. She also bought me a book called Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit.

I don't know if I have explicitly verbalized to her my love of asking questions to watch men explain simple things to me, but I know I have written about it throughout the series of these posts. It makes me unbelievably happy when men tell me about common things, and I get to play a naïve and uninformed vessel who needs a man to help me navigate the world. I especially love when they know it's a game, so they realize they are mansplaining things to me. My friend Jon stopped playing at one point because he didn't want to give me the satisfaction of playing the game, and then I would have a serious question about something silly, not knowing or understanding it, and he wouldn't respond until I told him that I genuinely didn't know about the thing.

To receive a random, totally not related to my birthday birthday present is part of this being known. The various parts of the present were through quiet observation and a shared understanding of things that I like and enjoy or have meaning. Not having to consider someone else's feelings over mine and not having it be an argument that I didn't want to celebrate or acknowledge my birthday or being perceived as ungrateful is part of the undoing from the past narrative. A reminder that I am in new territory that is safer and considerate of me.

I know that none of this is exclusive to my new life and new people. I have meaningful relationships from my life in Michigan, and there are people there who see me.

Last week, I wrote my brother a letter to thank him for being one of those people. He called me a few months back to tell me a woo-woo story because he knew I would appreciate it. He was right, I very much appreciated him experiencing something and calling me to tell it to me because I would get it. On top of that, he is the person who makes offhanded hypotheses about my life and things I am going to achieve. We once had a conversation where he told me I was learning specific skills because I need it for when I run my own school. This was not a thing I had openly considered or shared with him, but he sees the vision for my life, and he takes me seriously even when other people wouldn't. We understand that the choices for our lives are vastly different, and we are happy that things are what the other person wants their life to be. There is a mutual love and respect for the other that is based on the reality of them.

Even still, my former student and now friend Carleyfaith sent me a text message after I wrote about Noah Kahan's concert because she loves that I love Noah Kahan. She had been listening to him and thought of me and wondered if I had heard his music, and she got her answer through my social media post. I said that if I have a child and raise them in New England, they might turn out mean per Noah's song "Homesick," and I was reassured that I would raise brutally honest and tough children, but never someone mean. Our conversation ended when I said that this conversation made me happy, and I thanked her for knowing me. The response was that "I know you because we are one."

To be so completely understood and seen is a gift, and I am glad that I am starting to see this new narrative emerge. Rather than feeling misunderstood and being quiet or a dimmer version of myself to appease insecure people, I am finding authentic connections and reminders from longstanding relationships that reinforce that I matter.