2025 New Year's Eve Reflections

It is the final hours of 2025, and I am sitting down to reflect, as I always do in the month, days, and hours leading up to both the end and the beginning, as you can never have one without the other. It is my favorite time, as I reflect on who I am and who I want to be. If you can't tell, I am an introspective person. (Or at least, I consider myself to be.) When I started to reflect on my word for 2025, peace (and calm), my first inclination was to gawf at it. There was no chance I could think that I was at peace or calm. Then, I allowed myself to zoom out of where I am currently to realize that I am at peace, with a calm that I didn't have last year.

To start, in November, I went home to Michigan for Thanksgiving. I had to take a test to finalize some items of my degree, and I assumed I had to be in Michigan to complete the test. After registering and making plans to see family, I was informed that I could take the test anywhere, and I could have taken the test right around where I currently live. When making the plans, I kept thinking that there was a reason I had to be home. Once I found out the universe withheld that information and I was forced to go where I didn't want to be, I was convinced that something was going to happen, and I was going to be grateful to be home for that person. To be honest, there was someone who I think needed me to be home, even though it wasn't in the way I foresaw, and I am glad that I was able to see my friend and support her when she needed a witness. However, there were moments during that trip when I realized that I was the one who needed me to be home.

During the trip, I had moments when I started to get absorbed in drama and upset at things, but then I would take a breath and a moment, and I would realize that these weren't things that were worth getting upset over. Decisions someone else is making should not cost me my peace. There were many times when I reminded myself that I can only control myself and my actions, and it doesn't matter what someone else chooses to do. I can support someone in the ways I think are right, and it is none of my business if I think they are asking for too much or being out of touch or if I think I know better. I could be wrong and judging someone for something that is absolutely right for them. But even if I am right, it doesn't matter. Either way, their decisions don't impact my life or my well-being, so why do I care? I believe in my soul that we all are here to learn lessons and grow on a spiritual level, so who am I to pick what someone else is here to learn or judge them for those lessons.

In those moments, I also realized that there are people in my life who think they know better than me in the decisions of my life, and they will judge me harshly for any and every decision I make. I like my life, and I love that I keep gaining the freedom to become who I want to be. If I made decisions based on what others think is best, I would be unhappy. This morning, this realization came back to me, as I was texting with my friend. I told her that the more time and space separates me from my old life, the more I have become someone who I respect. I feel more freedom and contentment and honesty and vulnerability than I have ever had before. I have shed layers of who I was to fit in to who other people wanted me to be.

For so long, I was afraid of asking for things and being too much and being too Stephanie. All the things I was told I needed to be for other people to accept and love me. However, by being on my own, I can be all the Stephanie I want to be. I can be whacky and woo-woo, and I can show up completely as myself. I get to discover the new versions of me and new interests that I have. I can tell people that they can take me or leave me. You get all of me or you get none, and it's not my loss. I do not have to prove to anyone that I am worthy of their time. At the end of the day, I will happily be alone in solitude because I love my own company. I am funny and intelligent and creative and adventurous. I am lucky to be in company with someone so amazing! I have found that the people who are meant to be in my life continually prove that they are endeared by me. They tell me that they want to know more. I do not take up too much space because they make room for me. They support me. They love me. Without strings and without conditions.

In 2024, I felt like I was yelling all the time for someone to hear me. To take me seriously. To believe me. My soul was shouting and shouting with it all ending up on deaf ears. I was told that I was wrong and stupid and naïve. That I just need to give it some time, and I would change my mind or regret the ways that I was handling things. No one wanted to hear what I had to say. It was demoralizing to be so disregarded. I was filled with a never-ending rage. It was heart-breaking to be so beat down by everyone who is supposed to love you. In the name of love.

At the end of 2025, I can confidently say that rage is gone. We parted ways at some point, and I didn't even realize it. While I don't miss it, I am grateful for it. I needed that rage, and I can still tap into it when necessary because I am not afraid to burn things down until it's smoldering ash. Not all things are meant to come with us, and it is a gift to light it up.

As I head into the new year, I am hoping that I get to be softer. That I can put down my guard and stop fighting so hard at survival. I am a warrior woman, and I will gladly pick up my armor and head into battle for myself or those who are lucky enough to be loved by me. However, I hope that I can take a moment of rest to ease myself into a new phase of my life. One that is filled with peace and contentment. A phase where I don't have to fight my way for every single thing that I want. Or fight to be heard and taken seriously.

Thank you, 2025. You provided many lessons and have worked to rewire me and my brain. I am excited to see what is yet to come because it feels like something special is on its way. I can't wait to find the blessings that are waiting!

(And to think, I originally thought this was going to be a reflection on all the travel I did in 2025... Maybe a post for another day!)