Ladybugs

A weird thing has been happening lately. Since the fall, I have seen an influx of ladybugs. It started once the weather and season were no longer ideal for ladybug survival. I took mental note and watched as ladybugs would make my home theirs. Never an infestation. Always one or two at a time. They would disappear or die, and their replacement would quickly come.

I would mention these sightings to my friends and check if their apartments were also getting these guests. Nope. It was a me thing. Over time, I would have random sightings. A wine bottle logo brought to a gathering by someone else. A necklace of a student. Even today, I walked into the store, and the first book I saw had a subtle ladybug on the cover.

If you are a spiritual girlie like me, you would look up the meaning of such sightings. (Spoilers: they can represent protection, wish-fulfillment, and luck.) You would verify that the Asian ladybugs (or lady beetles) don't have a different meaning than the O.G. ladybugs. (Spoilers: they are a version of a ladybug, so it's believed that they have the same symbolism as "normal" ladybugs.)

Over time, with the increase in sightings, it is hard not to believe that they are a sign. Of what? I am not completely sure. All I know is that last year, this was not occurring in my life. There weren't visitors coming to my apartment and making themselves known. I like to believe that they are coming as protection because I have been asking the universe for protection lately. I like to believe that they are a good omen that something really fucking good is coming my way. Like the things I have been dreaming of are in motion and all I have to do is believe that I will get my heart's desire.

In writing that, I am reminded of a One Tree Hill episode where they quote George Bernard Shaw for their fictional English assignment. The idea is that, "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." To answer the prompt the characters were asked to consider, I think we will always be surprised by some of the things we want most in life because they don't always match the expectation. When wishes are granted, they can fall short of our expectations and become painful. There are things in my life that have proven disappointing because I had an idea of what it would look or feel like to have that thing. On the other hand, when you have something so beautiful, you realize how fleeting those moments can be. Once you get it, you search for the next thing your heart desires and the goal changes to something new. We are continually asked to evolve, and the desire you once had is no longer relevant, and you might have to make some uncomfortable decisions and leave behind people or places that don't continue to fit with your renewed ideas of your heart's desire.

It can also be painful when obtaining your heart's desire counters what we have known previously.

For context, last Easter, Zoë brought me an Easter basket. It was filled with small things and leftover candy from what she had for her children. This year, I decided that the Easter bunny would visit her back. When in the store, I bought her a book, chocolates, and face masks. I wanted to make sure she had a bunny come and visit, knowing she is the one doing the work to make the magic happen for everyone else. I told her repeatedly that if the Easter bunny was coming back to my house, I wanted it to be like last year's. No hassle or fuss.

That woman did not listen.

I was talking to Emma in the common room, and I heard the door open. I peeked my head into the hallway and saw Zoë walking towards me. This woman brought me the Easter basket that we have now begun passing back and forth, yet it was empty. Instead, there was a massive bag on top of it.

We sat in the dorm common room as I opened the various items. She had purchased me some cups, a makeup bag, and a sleep mask. All of the items were covered in ladybugs. Never have I been to Anthropologie, so my context was out of whack. Only once I considered sending the link for the items to someone did I realize the cost of my present.

My immediate reaction was to feel like I didn't deserve for someone to be so thoughtful and kind to me. To take their hard earned money and do something so lovely in the name of me felt rude.

Prior in the week, for some reason, I had been thinking of my 14th birthday. Everyone was hyping up the birthday present my parents had gotten me. They knew I was going to LOVE it. They were so excited for me to get the present. At the time, I kept thinking that I didn't really know what I had wanted, so it was exciting that someone had gotten me something so magical and meaningful.

When my mom brought out a bike, I was shocked. Never once did I remember asking for one. I had used my sister's bike, and I didn't exactly mind. (Or at least I don't remember minding.) I used a bike once a year on our camping trip, but we lived on dirt roads, so it didn't make sense for me to regularly use one.

I don't remember what I said or how it immediately played out once the bike was brought out. What I do remember is that it was one of my last birthday parties with family coming over to celebrate, and I remember being in tears in my brother's bedroom as my Godfather and his wife consoled me.

If you know me, I am going to talk about my relationship with my mother and the fact I believe she is narcissistic. I saw a video recently that talked about presents. Narcissists often get you things that aren't thoughtful, but they will get mad if you don't like them, so you learn to accept poor treatment and effort over time. The punishment is that you are told you are ungrateful if you don't like it, so you start warping your understanding of what you deserve through their poor presents.

In my senior year of college, I made a joke about how my high school senior photos weren't on the wall, even though both siblings had theirs up immediately following their high school graduation. For the next birthday, she had them framed, wrapped them up, and had me open them as if they were my present. My response was that it wasn't a gift for me. It would be put into her house, and it shouldn't have taken my commentary for her to get them done. I felt that it was inappropriate for her to wrap them and pretend like it was a present for me. This was just another birthday and another "present" that left me sobbing. Another time of feeling misunderstood and rude for wanting to feel appreciated and loved.

This was a continued pattern, and in my final year at Port Huron, I was gifted some very thoughtful presents from my students. I wrote a list on the board of things I liked (because the students had asked me to). It included small things like pull and peel licorice and Smartfood popcorn. I included my love of Tim Horton's, books, and journals. Nothing was expensive nor was anyone expected to get me things.

For my birthday slash end of year and goodbye present, students gave me items off the list and other things that weren't. They spent various amounts on me and wrote me thoughtful cards. One of my students got me a Barnes and Nobel gift card for $40. In class, I looked at her and tried to give it back. It was too much money for me to accept. I knew her and her work ethic, and I knew it was from her income.

Her response was that I had gifted her the hobby of reading for enjoyment, and she wanted me to be able to buy new books for my library to help future students. It was the least she could do to thank me. After the conversation, I accepted her words and understood the impact of what she said and why I deserved it.

When talking to my parents, my mom told me that it was rude of me to offer up things I liked to get presents from my students. Particularly, I should be ashamed of accepting that gift card. I didn't deserve it, and I shouldn't have taken it.

I really need people to understand that I have ALWAYS had a tumultuous relationship with my mother, even prior to the final straw that will forever sever the ties between us. She always taught me that I deserved less and was rude for asking for more. I had to shrink to be in her space, and it taught me to shrink in other spaces as well. I didn't deserve love or thoughtfulness. Just never-ending understanding of why people can't provide. To have her in my life would be a disservice to me. I have always wanted and deserved more than what she could emotionally provide, and I am glad that I fully understand that now.

Over the past few years, I have cleaned house. I have slowly and methodically taken steps to heal from our dynamic and its impact on me. It is hard, and it is a process that is still being unraveled.

When someone I love and respect decided to do something thoughtful, my first response was to feel guilty. To question what I had done to deserve it and to ensure that I could repay the thoughtfulness. I am accustomed to unequal relationships where I pour and pour and pour to make sure I can prove that I am worthy. Where I provide for others while not having my own needs met in return. I have never had this form of unconditional love where I am appreciated and worthy by just existing, so I didn't understand how to accept it.

The present made me sob uncontrollably and brought up all this pain from the past. It is wild to me that someone could hear me talking about this meaningful symbol and see it out in public and know it needed to be for me. What a new world I have stumbled into.

I am in a place where I see myself getting my heart's desire - unconditional love. It is painful to get something you were deprived from because it really puts a spotlight on the prior mistreatment. It is hard to unpack and unlearn the experiences and lessons from the past. It is uncomfortable.

But maybe this is the sign of the ladybug.

Protection - bringing me to those who love and care about me, so I am protected from falling into the traps of the past. I am protected by being able to express all the complex emotions and find compassion and empathy, but also a stern explanation that I am not meant to feel guilty for accepting love and kindness.

Wish-fulfillment - building a life that I have always wanted to have. Living out the dream of being loved and appreciated without conditions. More of these dreams are on their way, but I can have the big, beautiful life I have always wanted.

Luck - having things come together unexpectedly for me. Because I exist and not because of what I have to do to earn it. I am worthy of good things in my life, and I do not have to send them away or gatekeep them from getting to me.

I am so blessed in this phase of my life, and maybe the ladybugs are a reminder that I am on the better path already. All that I want is here and is present.

So mote it be.