Excavate and Rebuild

I don’t know if it’s the weather or some form of sickness traveling around the school. Maybe both of the things merging together to end the year with gross sinus congestion. Plus exhaustion. Is it exhaustion from the end of the year’s never-ending pile of to-do list items or is it simply an exhaustion from rebirthing our society and ourselves into something new? Maybe both of them meshing together as we close out a chapter and find ourselves in brighter days, releasing the past and making way for something better.

My original plan had been to write this over the weekend, but I couldn’t muster up the strength to do anything other than nap and watch Off Campus. I am trying to get better about listening to my body and not telling myself what I should be doing nor judging myself for not getting the things done. 

Additional to do list items from this weekend were to deep clean my apartment. I have camping supplies in every room of my apartment, and I need to pack them away. In my bedroom, I have a pile of clothes that need to be put on hangers and hung up. My bathroom needs to be wiped down and disinfected. Truly, the past month slipped by, and it left its mark through all the neglect.

But all of those things will get done, and I am grateful for the fact that it’s my clutter and mess and grime, and I am not interfering with someone else’s cleanliness or state of being. I am glad that I am working to be kinder to myself and not nag and belittle myself for my lack of energy or effort because May has been a survival month. It’s been full of big feelings that I have needed to deal with. All of 2026 has been an assortment of extreme feelings, and I would very much like to be done with this phase of transition or healing or whatever is causing my emotional release.

On that note, I met with a counselor last Friday. We had a long chat about my family dynamics and the way I was raised, and I shared that my mind feels one way about things, but my body is holding angst. She told me that it seems like my head is at peace with things, but my body hasn’t caught up, which is a typical thing that can happen. She declared that we have to get my head and body in alignment because once that happens, everything will feel good. In our conversation, it seems like the new and healthier dynamics that I currently have are bringing up the lack of them in my past. It’s wounding me because it’s a reminder that this is what it should have been all along. 

By being in a safe space with safe people who encourage and love me unconditionally, my body is no longer able to ignore or overlook all the ways I was unsafe or had conditional love. I am in a time of excavation, so I can remove the outdated things and make a better foundation for the future that I want to be living in. I feel like I have been in a transitional time and have been doing a lot of this inner work already, and I feel like I am finally getting near the end of the cycle. It feels like I am very close to being healed and freed from things that have been holding me back, and I am excited to have the help from a professional to clear it out even better than I have been doing on my own. So far, it seems like I am going to enjoy working with her. Even if it is about to be a very emotional journey of sorting through my experiences that have brought me to this point.

After the first session, I was given homework to create a timeline of my life based on my memories. She gave me an example of her first memory and the emotional attachments both good and bad that she has tied to it. For some reason, I am nervous about doing this exercise, and I am grateful that this week didn’t align for a session, so I can procrastinate this assignment a little bit longer. My perfectionism is telling me that I am not going to complete it in the manner she intends or that my memories are going to be too neutral. It feels scary to unravel your life and look too closely at it, especially with an outside observer. 

However, I would guess that’s why she is having me do this. It will allow me to look through these memories in the same way I did my long post about my PH friend, so I can see it through my grown up perspective and have some space from it. Honestly, I am sure it will be nice once it’s over, so I am going to force myself to get my courage to do it thoroughly because I do love an assignment and introspection, even though it is very difficult to be so vulnerable and raw.

This new phase of Stephanie is very vulnerable and raw. I feel like I keep cutting myself open to show off my scar tissues that are deep beneath the surface. The ones that I don’t always realize are there. The ones I don’t realize have fundamentally changed the way I function as a person. Being a human is hard, and I continually question why people carnate when it is this difficult to navigate your existence. Yet, I will continue to navigate this wherever it takes me because there is some beauty in the experience and growth. Pride in the never-ending evolution of who we choose to be. 

All I know is I will continue to evolve and do this soul work because I don’t want these past things to trigger me through my found family. There’s a future partnership I want to have, and I don’t want to be limited to the lessons and models I was shown as a child of what a relationship is. I want to have healthy and reciprocal relationships where I am not expected to pour into someone and receive crumbs in return. I want to be able to communicate with someone with respect and have trust in them. I want to let go of the weight of the labels others have placed on me that aren’t actually accurate to who I am.

I may be stubborn, but it’s through standing my ground and not swaying to other’s perceptions or opinions, particularly of what I should or should not do with my own life. I am not ungrateful, so that is a label I refuse to carry. I am communicative and honest, especially when I am in conversation with those who care about my opinion and want to hear my perspective. I am caring and thoughtful, and I am not rude or mean. 

At the end of the day, I am so glad that I moved away. Through all the hardships and struggles I have faced in these last two years, I have gained so many amazing things that have fundamentally changed me for the better. I am glad for this journey as hard as it has been because I know that I am building the life I want to have and letting go of the things that don’t serve me. 

May you have the courage to face what you’re afraid of. It’s hard, but we can do it together.